Return to Grace

by Bethany Surreira

  “I thought you’d never ask,” Dad said, hugging me tight. I’d never outgrow the feeling of being his baby girl.

  Once I was upstairs in my room, I pulled out the sweater I had tucked underneath my pillow. When I was a little girl, I would hide things under there that I wanted close to me but didn’t want anyone to know about. My parents always knew but they hadn’t told me until I was much older. They said that they felt it was important for me to have some things all to myself. I stripped out of the sweatshirt I was wearing and put on my mother’s sweater. I sat cross-legged on my bed and pulled the box in front of me. I could do this. I had already been through the worst. Dad was right. Closure was necessary and this was my closure with my mom.

  I opened the box a second time, and this time, I smiled. I was genuinely interested in seeing what those envelopes held and what else was in the box. I pulled out the envelopes and sat them next to me on the bed. I rifled through the rest of the box while I snacked on the cookies from Mrs. Kratz. Wouldn’t want those to get stale. Underneath the letters and pottery were loose pictures and what appeared to be tickets and other keepsakes.

  Each picture had a date on the back, and when I turned them over, I saw that my mother was at every single one of my events. She had managed to take a selfie with my dad everywhere I had a function. And I was always in the background somewhere. This must have been her way of celebrating with me.

  There was a ticket to my graduation from NYU, every train ticket stub from the trips that she had secretly taken to the city with my dad, and even a ticket to the ceremony where I was awarded for being a part of the program for the disabled students. I tried to maintain my composure and reached over to pick up the stack of envelopes. I gently pulled the string and opened them one by one. Some of them were birthday cards from over the years and some were letters that my mom had written to me.

  I rubbed the top of one of the letters which was in a different envelope than the rest. I noticed it was dated from the night before the accident and that there were some smudge marks, which I assumed were my mom’s tears that had met the ink. My heart raced as I smoothed out the letter and started to read through teary eyes.

  My Dearest Leah,

  There are not enough words in the English language to describe the level of pain I feel while missing you. You are my miracle, my absolute joy, and my greatest accomplishment. I want you to know how much I love you. I am writing you this letter in the event you refuse to see me because I need you to hear some things.

  First, the way we left things when you went off to college was terrible, and I blame myself for that. When I left Italy, my mother was so angry with me. I no longer fit into the picture she had created for her perfect family, and she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t understand that I wanted to create a life for myself. I fear you may think I was doing the same to you, but I was just so afraid I wouldn’t be able to protect you if you moved away. I quickly learned you were far more intuitive than I was at your age, and you would be just fine.

  Second, I accompanied your father on almost all of his trips to see you. I chose to keep in the shadows and watch you accept all of your awards for fear that my presence would ruin your day. I regret not telling you this sooner.

  Third, I am so unbelievably proud of the woman you have become. You continue to amaze me daily, and I will continue to shower you with my love from afar if you choose to still keep this distance between us. Happiness and safety are what parents wish the most for their children, and I can see you’ve excelled at providing yourself with both.

  Lastly, I have reconnected with your grandparents, and I want you to have their contact information if you so desire. I think it’s important for you to know them, and I hope you do reach out.

  Leah, I love you more than I have ever loved anything on this planet. I love you so much that I am opening my arms and letting you go to continue to live your life. I will be here if and when you are ready to return, but I won’t push you. You are the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow, my dear. Don’t you ever forget that.

  Loving you always, Mom

  I sat on my bed, frozen. I didn’t cry. I didn’t breathe. I didn’t move. I was numb from the inside out. I was the definition of the worst human being to ever roam the Earth.

  I didn’t deserve you, Mom. And you deserved so much better than what I gave you.

  21

  I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock. Six forty-two a.m. How long had I slept? I didn’t even remember putting my pajamas on or brushing my teeth last night. I looked over at the mess littering my desk and remembered trying to write the eulogy. After I had cleaned up the letters and gifts in the box, I brought it over to my desk and tried to pen the most thoughtful and personal letter to my mother. It was the least I could do after the shit I pulled over the past seven years.

  I groaned, rolled over, and covered myself back up with the comforter. I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up just yet, and I knew I had time before my dad would call me down for breakfast. Well, if he hadn’t gone to the grocery store, that was. Who knew how he felt that morning. After an hour of tossing and turning, I got up and got myself ready for the day. I made my way downstairs and noticed the eerie silence of the house. There was usually some sort of noise, but today, nothing.

  I looked for a note from my dad or the paper that would be half-opened on the kitchen table if he had brought it in, which he usually did. The house looked barely lived in and I was confused. Then I noticed that my dad’s boots and jacket were missing from the mudroom, and I peeked outside to see if he was out there. I gasped when I saw him sitting on the railing of the porch talking to…Josh. What the hell? I quickly grabbed my coat and boots and threw them on before I went outside to see them.

  “Josh? What are you doing here?” I spat out in the most accusatory tone I could produce.

  “Hi, Leah. I’m sorry to surprise you like this, but you weren’t answering my calls or texts,” he answered, his tone completely differed from mine.

  “So you took it upon yourself to just come to my house unannounced?” I yelled.

  “Now, Leah, you mind your manners and hear this man out. He traveled a long way to be here for you,” my dad said as he glared at me. “I’ll be inside putting on a pot of coffee if you need me.”

  He rubbed Josh’s shoulder reassuringly and that made me cringe. Whose side are you on, Dad? He closed the door and I turned back to face Josh.

  “Well, you are the last face I thought I would see in Grace Valley, and I have seen a lot of those this week already. What are you really doing here, Josh?”

  “I tried to call you to apologize. Multiple times. The calls were always sent to voicemail. After a few days, I just stopped calling altogether. I wasn’t sure if you blocked me or not, and I wasn’t about to make myself look even more like a fool,” he told me, his eyes fixated on the ground instead of on me.

  “I would never block you, Josh. I was just angry and emotional, and I didn’t want to talk to you. To anyone, really,” I explained. “But why would you have even continued to call? I thought I made it perfectly clear where I stood with this relationship.”

  “Because you were right. We’re not meant for each other,” Josh admitted. “And I really just wanted to be there for you while you’re going through everything. As a friend.”

  “Really?” I responded, doubt flying out of my mouth.

  “Yes, Leah. Really. I think we both know that the only reason we were able to last as long as we did was because we had a firm base of friendship under us. I was angry you didn’t want to confide in me about your mom, but I understand why and I’m truly sorry.”

  “I appreciate that, but for future reference, Josh, when someone is going through something, you don’t get to be jealous and tell them how they should have handled their grief. I understand it was a tough position for you to be in, not in control and all,” I said calmly, “but it was my mother who passed away. Someone who I hadn’t spoken to in years. And
you came in guns blazing trying to make me feel worse than I already had.”

  “I know, babe—I mean, Leah,” he started. “Sorry, old habit. That’s why I came here today, though. I really do just want to be there for you.”

  “Josh, I didn’t ask Sara to come to Grace Valley with me because this was something I needed to do alone.” I explained.“Well, I thought I needed to do this alone. It is nice that you’re here.”

  “Your dad filled me in on everything. Don’t be upset with him. I think he was trying to make it easier on you and take away some of the guilt he thinks you’ve been carrying this week. I wish you would have opened up and told me more about your family and the life you left behind, but I truly get why you didn’t.”

  “Thank you, Josh.” I looked him right in his eyes to let him know I meant it. “Now, let’s get you inside and out of this cold! It’s freezing. Did you walk here?”

  “Yeah, but I’m used to that. You’re worth it.”

  “Josh, you just said—” I began before he cut me off.

  “Geez, Leah. Have some confidence in me! Not everything needs to have an underlying meaning.”

  “You’re right. Old habits,” I teased him back. “Coffee? My dad grinds his own blend for Christmas and it’s amazing.”

  “Oh, absolutely.” He smiled at me.

  Josh followed me into the cozy farmhouse and dropped his boots and coat off in the mudroom. Dad had already carried his luggage up to the guest room. He’d always said that no friend of the Abernathy family should stay in the bed and breakfast in town; they should stay with us.

  I reached up and grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and started to pour the coffee my dad made for us while we chatted outside. The smell of the nutmeg and ginger traveled from the mugs to our nostrils, and we both inhaled deeply before taking a big gulp at the exact same time. We laughed and followed my dad into the den.

  “Oh, wow. This is amazing, Mr. Abernathy,” Josh said as he took a seat next to my dad.

  “Call me Paul. And thank you. Leah created this blend accidentally when she was around nine years old and dumped random spices into the French press. It took Lucia two weeks to figure out what was in it until, one day, Leah came into the kitchen and handed her the bottle of spices she had used. We laughed for hours. What other nine-year-old kid creates the world’s best holiday coffee blend?” He laughed as he remembered the sweet moment. “My Leah, that’s who.”

  “You never told me that story, Dad,” I said as I sat across from him on the floor, my back soaking in the heat from the fire. “I don’t even remember that.”

  “Some things are better left as memories, pumpkin.”

  We spent hours in the den chatting and drinking multiple pots of coffee in front of the fire. My dad told us stories of when he first met my mom, I told Josh about my childhood, and Josh told us about his homelife. It was nice sharing and learning and being able to all love our lives despite the differences.

  Before we knew it, it was lunch time and we were all starving. My dad suggested we head into town and grab a bite to eat at Tammy’s Diner; show Josh what a real small-town meal was like. Internally, I was against it, afraid we might run into Brittany again. Or worse, Caleb. I didn’t think I could handle either of them at that moment. We collected our jackets and boots and set off down the snowy path that led to the main street in town.

  “Wow!” Josh exclaimed, taking in the sight around him.

  The main strip of town was lit up and decorated for Christmas. There were wreaths wrapped in twinkly lights set on each street lamp, a large red bow hanging from each one. Every storefront was decorated with a different theme, and it almost looked like Christmas had exploded in the middle of the road. At the center of the town green, we could see little kids ice skating on a makeshift rink and a tall Christmas tree right in the center.

  “Yeah,” I said and grabbed onto his arm. “Welcome to Grace Valley!”

  “Is this how it looks every year? It’s somehow more amazing than Christmas in the city.” Josh stood and stared at the small-town life bustling around him.

  “Yup! There’s a huge Christmas Festival every year and we have contests for the best sugar cookies, gingerbread houses, decorated storefronts, and even the ugliest Christmas sweater. My mom actually created that one when she wore what she thought was the most beautiful Christmas sweater and her best friends teased her. And every year since then, the sweaters have had their own contest,” I told him.

  “That sounds amazing. And so much fun.”

  “Oh, that’s not all,” I said. “There’s a snowman building contest, stocking decorating, finding Rudolf’s nose—that one’s for the kids—hot chocolate making contest, and so much more. We really go all out. And the proceeds from everything goes to the children’s hospital in Hartford. My mom’s idea.”

  Josh smiled and snickered.

  “What?” I asked him.

  “Nothing. I just thought that I knew everything about you, and I actually barely know anything. It all makes sense now that I’m able to put it all together. But if you had asked me if I saw you partaking in any of this, I would have bet my life that you wouldn’t have.”

  “Well, welcome to the good life, my friend. This is the best place you could be.” I opened the door to Tammy’s Diner and motioned for him to follow me.

  “Hey, Dale,” my dad said to the guy behind the counter. “We’ll seat ourselves today, thanks. Is Tammy here?”

  “Hey, Paul. No, she’s off today. Out doing something with Caleb. I’m not sure if she’ll stop in or not,” Dale told him.

  My dad nodded and grabbed three menus. He sat alone, across from me and Josh. It was weird sharing the same side of the booth with him, but it was nice for me to be looking at my dad instead of Josh. As he handed us our menus, I noticed him glance outside and mutter, “Hmm, I thought he was with Tammy,” under his breath.

  “Did you say something, Dad?” I asked.

  I followed his gaze to see Caleb standing across the street, looking directly into the window at me. As soon as our eyes connected, he took off.

  Josh interrupted our secret chat. “So, what’s good here?”

  “Everything,” we answered simultaneously.

  Ten minutes later, the table was covered with pancakes, waffles, bacon, sausage, and eggs. We devoured our food as if it were the last time we would be eating. I laughed inwardly at the site of Josh going to town on his meal. I’d never seen him eat like that. He wiped his mouth and placed his napkin back onto his lap.

  “That,” he said, “was amazing.”

  “Tammy is the best. And even when she isn’t back there cooking, she hires the best line cooks out there,” my dad told him. “When we were younger, we used to have game night at her house. Brad, her husband, would make the weirdest drinks imaginable, and she would always manage to always make a delicious snack to complement his concoctions. Man, I miss those days.”

  “Why don’t you have game night anymore?” Josh asked innocently.

  “Brad unexpectedly passed away when Leah and Caleb were little. We haven’t had a game night since,” Paul replied shortly.

  “I’m sorry,” Josh said, looking at his hands. “I didn’t know. Who’s Caleb?”

  “No worries. They were good times. I just miss him, that’s all,” he smiled softly.

  “Oh, Caleb is Tammy and Brad’s son. We played together a lot when we were younger,” I said before my dad could answer him. I never told Josh about Caleb specifically, just that I had a boyfriend in high school. I did not need to rehash that again.

  “So, Josh, how long are you planning on staying in town? Leah tells me you’re a busy lawyer, so I imagine you must have to run out of here soon,” Dad said, picking up on my interjection.

  “I am busy, indeed. Lucky for me, I just made partner and negotiated some time off. I won’t need to return to the office until after the new year. However, that means I probably won’t see the light of day for a while,” he chuckled.


  “Partner? Congratulations, Josh! Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Oh, wait. Never mind.”

  “No, it’s okay. I get it. I just found out a couple of days ago, and I wanted to give you your time. This trip is about you, not me,” Josh said, making me blush.

  My dad smiled at me, and I knew he was thinking about how cute it was that his little girl was paying so much attention to our new guest. I shot him a quick not happening glance to let him know it wasn’t romantic excitement.

  “I always knew you were destined for great things, Josh. All that hard work, those long nights and early mornings, the terrible office coffee.” I laughed.

  “Well, if this is the definition of a great friendship then sign me up,” my dad teased us. It made me a tad uncomfortable, but what else was new. “Josh, I’m happy that my baby girl has a friend like you in her corner. I hope you’ll continue to keep an eye on her in that big city.”

  “Of course, Mr. Aber—uh, Paul.”

  I suddenly wished my mom could have met him. He might not have been the one, but he was a good man. My mom would have liked him.

  22

  How was it the morning of the funeral already? How was I about to go bury my mother? How could I stand up in front of all those people and give a speech about the woman I had unintentionally gotten killed?

  I spent the majority of the morning sulking in my childhood bedroom, a multitude of scenarios playing over and over in my mind. Innumerable what-ifs clouded my already foggy brain. Somehow, I was able to do my hair and makeup and look somewhat decent, but I couldn’t bring myself to get dressed. Everything I had packed and everything that remained in my closet didn’t seem good enough for my mom or that day.

  “Pumpkin? You okay in there?” came from the other side of my door. “We need to leave in less than an hour, and you still haven’t been downstairs for breakfast or coffee.”

  “You can come in, Dad. I’m just sitting in here thinking,” I called back to him from my bed. My long hair cascaded in waves down my back, just like my mother always wore hers, and I didn’t know if he would be happy or sad at the sight. When he opened the door, his eyes glistened with a combination of happy and sad tears.