Return to Grace

by Bethany Surreira

  “Oh, Leah. You look just like her. A spitting image,” he said. “Is that your dress?”

  I looked at the black A-Line dress and back up at my father. I burst into tears and feverishly blotted at my eyes to not mess up the mascara I just applied.

  “It was supposed to be but it’s not right. I just can’t find anything that’s right for this. For her. She needs the best and I just don’t have it,” I cried.

  “I’ll be right back,” he said and walked out of my room.

  A few minutes later, my dad’s feet thumped up the back stairs. He stopped and took a deep breath before he walked back into my room. He was holding a beautiful, black silk dress with a matching shawl.

  “Leah, this is the dress your mother wore to Brad’s funeral. She told me after his mass that she wanted to be buried in it, but I convinced her it was far too beautiful to remain underground. I told her she should save it for you to wear someday for a job interview or a holiday party,” he told me, holding the dress out for me to take.

  I looked at him, puzzled, not understanding how a dress that someone wore to a funeral would ever be appropriate for a holiday party, but then he handed me the shawl and I lightly fingered the pattern. At first glance, I only saw a little silver shimmer, but when I looked closer, I saw that the silver strands of string were actually intricate snowflakes. Leave it to Mom to wear a snowflake shawl to a spring funeral. I giggled and my dad smiled.

  “You should wear this. She would be honored and it just might help you feel closer to her. You have her pearls still?” he asked.

  “I do.”

  “Well then. There you go. I’ll leave you to it and see you in the kitchen? You don’t need to eat a lot, but you should really put a little something in your stomach before we go. Josh is in the den with Gnocchi. It’s quite the sight to see.”

  I smiled and closed the door after my dad went back downstairs. I held the dress in front of me and smoothed it out, feeling the delicate touches of lace that scattered the fabric. You can do this. It’s just a dress. I hung my bathrobe on the back of the door and stepped into the dress, careful not to snag the fabric. As soon as I zipped the back, I felt my mother’s presence. In a matter of seconds, I felt like my old self again, and I knew things were going to be okay. I put her pearl earrings on and looked into the mirror.

  Wow, Mom. I really do look like you.

  I grabbed the eulogy from my desk before I picked up the shawl and my shoes and went downstairs to the kitchen. I popped a mini blueberry muffin into my mouth, grabbed a few more, and went to the den to sit with Josh and Gnocchi.

  “Hey, guys,” I said as I sat down next to Josh on the loveseat.

  Josh looked up at me and scooted over to give me some room. Gnocchi reluctantly hopped off and plopped himself in front of the fire.

  “Good morning,” Josh said. “Are you ready to do this?”

  “Not even a single bit, but I’ll do it,” I replied.

  The back door opened and in walked Tammy, Becky, and several members of both their staffs. Vases upon vases of flowers were placed throughout the lower level of the farmhouse. Trays of food were brought in and put in the oven or the fridge. I stood up to help but Becky shooed me away.

  “No way, little one,” Becky said. “You sit and enjoy some quiet time over there. We’ll take it from here.”

  I sunk back into the loveseat and smiled. Little one. I hadn’t heard that in years. A sense of calm and warmth swept over me, and I felt at ease once again. Josh must have picked up on it because he slid closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

  “You’re gonna do great,” he said, beads of sweat appearing on his upper lip. “She would be so proud of you.”

  “Just friends, Josh?” I asked and swatted his arm away.

  A deep, throaty laugh came out of him and caused the staff in the kitchen to stop and stare.

  “Yes, Leah. Geez.”

  Dad walked into the room holding his tie out. “Who wants to tie this for me?” he asked, his shoulders shrugged in defeat.

  “Oh, Daddy. Will you ever learn to tie that thing?”

  “Probably not. Once more for old times’ sake?”

  “Come here,” I directed him. “I hope you don’t need to wear a tie anywhere once I go back to the city. It’s an awfully long train ride for me to come and help you with it.”

  “Ha ha, very funny. You know I hate these things anyway. I’ll take a nice polo shirt over a tie any day.”

  I patted my father’s chest and rested my palms on his shoulders. You wear your pain so well, Dad. No one would ever know what you’re about to do.

  “All right, goofball. Let’s get this show on the road,” I said. “Is there anything we need to get done before we leave?”

  “No,” Tammy shouted from the kitchen. “There most certainly is not.”

  We all laughed. Tammy and Becky were machines and the house was almost all set up for the luncheon. I wonder how bad it would be if I just skipped this thing and stayed home and ate everything.

  “Is it bad that I could eat all of this myself?” Josh whispered to me.

  My head whipped toward him. “I was just thinking the same thing.”

  The way Josh smiled at me led me to believe that he might not have been completely honest with me about this whole friends thing. But I had told him how I felt, so at least he was aware.

  Luckily for everyone, my dad walked into the room right in the middle of the awkwardness.

  “All right, looks like it’s time to go. We need to meet with Father James before the service begins,” he told us through tired eyes. “Leah, you have everything you need?”

  “I do, Dad,” I said and grabbed ahold of his arm. “Ready when you are.”

  “Oh, pumpkin. I will never be ready.” He tried to smile but tears filled his eyes.

  I wasn’t happy to see him so sad, but I was glad he was finally able to let his guard down and allow his emotions to come through. Tammy and Becky both stopped and hugged us tight.

  Josh got everyone’s coats and shoes and told Becky to call his cell phone if they needed anything, promising he would come right back to help. Romantic gesture or not, I was so glad he was here.

  The three of us stood outside of the small church and stared at the entryway doors. The cold air whipped our faces, but they remained as frozen as the temperature. Josh didn’t understand why, I’m sure, but he stood with us, nonetheless. My mom loved the winter season most of all and always said that the smell of snow alone could warm the coldest days. I inhaled the scent of the impending snow and let go of my father’s hand.

  “I’m ready to go in now,” I declared and walked up the stairs. “You coming?”

  I was anything but fearless, but I knew if I didn’t go in at that very moment, I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction and never look back. Rows and rows of poinsettias greeted us. Josh hung around the back of the church while my dad and I slowly made our way down the aisle to where the priest was standing.

  “Paul. Leah. Let me offer my deepest sympathies,” Father James said as he held out his hands to us. “Lucia was a valued member of this church and our community, and she will be terribly missed.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that,” my dad said solemnly. “May I see her before services start? I’d like to be the first to say goodbye.”

  “Of course. Follow me,” Father James said, leading the way. “I’ll give you a few minutes. If you need me, I’ll be right over there.”

  I turned my head to follow where Father James was pointing. He sat down carefully next to the small Christmas display, and it reminded me of my childhood singing here in the choir. I don’t know how they hadn’t kicked me out. I suck at singing.

  I looked back over to my father kneeling in front of the casket. His elbows rested on the edge, and his hands were clasped together, pressed against his forehead.

  “My sweetheart. I’m not sure how I’m going to go on without you. I miss you so much,�
� he whispered to my mom. “Our girl is back home. I don’t know for how much longer but she’s here. She came back for you. She’s a wreck about what happened. Please help her heal.”

  My hands rushed to my mouth as I tried to cover my sobs, listening to my father say his final goodbyes to my mom. I quickly took a pencil from the pew and scribbled more notes onto my already polished eulogy. If I was going to give the damn speech, then I was gonna do it right. I let my father finish and went to sit down, waiting for the services to start.

  I’ll save my goodbye for last, Mom.

  Friends and relatives started to gather in the church, and my dad rushed to sit next to me. He put his arm around me and pulled me close. It was comforting and I felt safe in his arms. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but for the first time in over seven years, I was with both of my parents at the same time and we all knew it. I kept my eyes focused on my mother’s beautiful face as she laid peacefully in her casket.

  “I like that your mother knew how she wanted to have this. Brief, unconventional, and full of love; much like her life,” my dad said.

  Music began playing as the guests took their seats. Father James stood up to begin the service, and a fast silence spread across the room. He briefly spoke of his relationship with my mom and our family and thanked us for being a part of the church for all of these years. I smiled remembering my childhood and my mother’s love of the church and togetherness.

  “Tammy Patterson would like to share a short story about Lucia,” Father James said, motioning for her to come up to the podium.

  Tammy walked confidently to the podium and adjusted the microphone. She winked at me when we made eye contact and took a brief minute to look down at her notes. I was surprised it was her making a speech and not Becky, but I was happy either way. After taking in a deep breath, she began her story.

  “Good morning. I met Lucia almost thirty years ago in this very building. Paul had brought her here to meet Father James and to become a member of our parish. I thought he was crazy when he told us he had only met her the week before.” Tammy laughed and looked at Paul.

  “Little did we all know, he knew what he felt, and she was the one. Anyway, she was standing right over by that window.” She pointed to the stained glass that glistened brightly from the way the sun bounced off the snowbank outside. “In her thick accent, she said to me, ‘I’ve never seen windows so beautiful before. And I’m from Italy!’ I laughed and she asked if I would take a picture with her to remember the moment by. She always had her camera in her hands, capturing every moment she could. Tonight, when the sun goes down and the stars come out, look for the brightest one. That’s Lucia, taking a picture to remember today by. Thank you.”

  Tammy kissed my mother’s hand and gently touched the side of her coffin. “I will forever be here for your girl. I promise you that.”

  She paused by me and my dad and placed her hand gently on my shoulder while she locked eyes with Paul. He closed his and nodded in silent agreement. I looked up at her, my eyes pleading with her to say this was all a dream.

  She leaned down and whispered in my ear, “You will always be the daughter I never had, and I will love you like my own for the rest of my days.”

  I swallowed deeply and my bottom lip began to quiver. “I love you, too,” I replied, barely audible.

  “Thank you, Tammy. That was beautiful,” Father James said, taking us all out of our moment. “Leah, if you’re ready.”

  This was not a dream.

  23

  All eyes were on me as I reluctantly approached the podium to celebrate my mother. I opened my paper and smoothed it out across the stand, looking out at the crowd. Small towns usually meant you recognized every face in the crowd, but there were so many people I had never seen before. I noticed an older couple in the back of the church and wondered if they were my grandparents. I straightened my back and prepared myself for quite possibly the biggest speech I was ever going to make. I hope I’ll make you proud, Mom.

  “Good morning, everyone. Let me just start by thanking all of you for being here today, and for being here for the last twenty-five-plus years for our family. Grace Valley is more than a home, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. When my father asked me to give the eulogy today, I must admit I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it. I didn’t think I was the right person to honor my mother and that maybe he should be the one to do so. After sleeping on it, I realized if I’m ever blessed enough to have a child, I would want them to honor me. So here I am.

  “The relationship between a mother and child is like none other. And for me, the bond between a mother and a daughter is the strongest bond there is. You can go through hell and back and still come out on the other side full of so much love and support for each other. I was recently reminded that no matter what happens, my mother will always be there rooting me on, even from afar. And even when I’m unaware.

  “My mother was an extraordinary woman who lived life to the fullest and loved with every fiber of her being. Anyone who met her immediately felt the love radiate off her. She was kind, caring, funny, an amazing cook, and the most positive ray of light I have ever met. She had this way of turning any unfavorable situation into a learning experience that left me with a megawatt smile on my face. Every single time! I remember once in elementary school, there was a going away party I wasn’t invited to by someone I had thought was a good friend of mine. I came home and cried to my mother about it, and instead of dwelling on why I wasn’t invited, she threw me an ice cream party—in the bathtub! We were covered in ice cream, chocolate sauce, and nuts. When Dad came home and saw us, I thought he was going to fall over from laughing. That will always be one of my favorite memories.

  “As most of you know, my mother came to America from Italy almost thirty years ago. You’d never know it by the perfect way she spoke English. She fought for what she believed in and knew her future was here; although, I’m fairly certain she hadn’t known exactly what her future entailed when she was that young. My mom came to America to become a teacher. She had big plans to teach in an inner city and help some of those kids get out of the homes and trouble that would inevitably find them. Even though she ended up teaching here instead, she would take me to the city one weekend every month to volunteer and tutor some of those less fortunate students. I think a part of why I wanted to go to NYU for college was because the city had taken up such a large part of my heart from all of those special moments with her.

  “Meeting my dad on the tarmac at the airport the second she set foot on American soil changed her entire plan, but she always told me it was the best decision she had ever made. She told me, ‘The minute you meet your soulmate, your entire being feels it. You’re unable to describe it, but it’s a force so strong that no matter what tries to get in the way, you will always be pulled back to each other. Soulmates are magnets and true love is a force that cannot be broken.’ I can honestly say I watched my parents’ love grow and never waver, and I’m blessed to have learned to fight for what I believe in and work hard to keep my relationships going strong.”

  I looked up at the crowd and locked eyes with Caleb. I quickly looked around for Brittany but I didn’t see her. My heart began to beat at an uncomfortable speed, and I needed to finish my speech before I broke apart.

  “Thank you, Mom. Thank you for giving this entire town a happier feel. Thank you for loving Dad so deeply that I know he will be okay after this. And thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is. I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to fill the shoes that you have left for me.” I paused and looked over to the casket. “I love you more.”

  I smiled at the crowd as I made my way over to my mom’s casket. “I’ll be back to say goodbye,” I whispered before heading back to sit with my dad.

  “Pumpkin, that was beautiful. She would have been so proud of you,” he told me, his eyes now full of tears.

  We sat in silence together until Father James was finished with the service. I
t was beautiful and everything that represented who my mother was. I hoped when my time came, people remembered me the way they remembered my mother. I watched everyone pay their respects then gathered with them at the back of the church to thank them for coming.

  Josh played the role of the gentleman suitor and kept his hand securely on the small of my back. I was so emotionally raw that I initially didn’t even realize he was doing it. Either that or I just didn’t seem to care, but I honestly couldn’t tell you which was true in that moment. Every so often, my dad glanced over and saw Josh’s protectiveness, and although he never said anything, I knew he trusted my judgement.

  I also noticed Caleb standing over by his mother, and I watched as his eyes glanced over to Josh and then to Josh’s hand. He was too busy being fixated on Josh to notice I caught on to what he was doing. He leaned into Tammy and whispered something in her ear. I looked over at Josh hoping to get him to stop touching me without actually brushing him off in the middle of the church. When I turned back to Caleb, he was gone. Tammy was the last one to pay her respects, and I was glad she had waited until everyone else had left.

  “Caleb and Brittany left to go tie up some loose ends with her job. They should be at your house later,” Tammy said as if she could read my mind. “Becky and I set everything up so you can both enjoy your company and not worry about a thing. I also have staff coming in afterward to wrap up all of the food for you and clean the kitchen. And I don’t want to hear a peep about it, Paul Abernathy. Let us do this for you.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” my dad said. “We really appreciate this, Tam. It means a lot.”

  “Why don’t you guys head on over to the house and I’ll catch up with you. I’d like to spend a few more minutes here with Mom alone,” I told them.