This Is Me

by Finn

  “That’s what I said.”

  As Cooper and Leroy carefully pulled me to my feet, my mind began to swirl, and somehow, the blackness of my eyelids started spinning.

  “My face is falling off,” I mumbled, staggering along with Cooper and Leroy, putting most of my weight on them.

  “That much pain?” Leroy asked, and I heard a door open.

  No, you limp rabbit. I’m in a world full of rainbows and lollipops.

  Straining my eyes open, I saw that we had moved into the hallway, which was, thankfully, empty, though I had no idea how much longer it would stay that way. I didn’t know how long Leroy and I had been in the bathroom for, so, the bell could be ringing any minute.

  “The bell is going to end me.” I groaned, trying to keep my eyes on something that wasn’t in motion. Which was difficult because we were fucking moving.

  “Do you think we can get him to his car before the bell rings?” Cooper asked, but before Leroy could answer, a loud ringing ran through the halls and echoed in my mind.

  It felt like my brain was melting.

  “No. No, I do not,” Leroy muttered, readjusting my arm around his shoulder as students began piling into the hallway.

  I did my best not to look at any of them, though I couldn’t do anything about hearing their voices.

  “Oh, my God! What happened?”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Who did this?”

  “I’m going to kick someone’s ass!

  “Pete, are you alright?”

  The voices of my peers filled my eyes, and my heart fluttered at how many people seemed to care. Although my brain was about to explode because of all the noise, it was trying to process as more and more people tried to ask questions about what had happened and comfort me as I walked past them.

  I looked up at Leroy who was waving and asking for people to get out of the way, flinching at each movement of his hand. I wished that I had the strength in me to apologise a thousand times. He didn’t deserve my anger.

  “What the living fuck! Peter!” Blaire’s voice shot through the hall as the bell stopped and it sounded as though every student in the hall moved up against the walls to get out of her way.

  “Please don’t yell,” I mumbled and felt a warm hand gently touch the cut above my eye.

  “Leroy, what the fuck?” Blaire spat, and I had an inkling she was accusing him.

  “No, shush. We’re okay,” I managed to get out in a quiet voice, and I looked at Blaire to see her trying to process everything.

  “What happened?” She asked, looking from my groggy face to Cooper and then Leroy, glaring at him as she did so, and looking at his hand. “What happened to your hand? Leroy—”

  “Mitchell went the punch and Leroy punched the man. Can we be the quiet now, please.” My voice got quieter with every word I spoke.

  I knew I was making next to no sense, but I couldn’t think too hard about what I was saying. Every time I tried—the inside of my head set itself on fire.

  “Leroy Addins to the principal’s office. Leroy Addins to the principal’s office.” A static voice made its way through the halls, and Leroy sighed.

  “Get him home,” he muttered, and Blaire huffed, moving him out of the way and taking his spot.

  Closing my eyes again, trying to stop everything from spinning, I felt another warm hand gently touch my face before I was carefully moved again. A voice in the back of my mind told me it had been Leroy’s hand, but I blocked it out.

  I had no idea how I managed to get to my car or get home, but the next thing I knew, I was laying in my bed. The throbbing in my face continued, but each pulse of blood that ran through my head seemed to get fainter and fainter as I fell asleep.

  *

  “I don’t think I can do this.”

  “What?”

  “I said, I don’t think I can do this.”

  “No, I heard you. It was more of a ‘what’ what?”

  “What?”

  My harsh whisper danced around Bradly’s as we sat at the back of a small theatre. Both our heads were ducked slightly in the hopes our voices wouldn’t carry to the front of the theatre, where a guy around Brad’s age had just got onto the stage. Brad had only told me this morning that he would be doing the audition. Lucky for him, I didn’t have anything to do on a Saturday, and I could be moral support.

  It had been two weeks since my ass got handed to me, and I was feeling much better. My face was still a little bruised, but other than that, I was brilliant. Thankfully, that’s all Mitchell had been able to do to me—bruise me. He couldn’t say the same for what Leroy had done to him, though. A broken nose was not as easy to shake off.

  Luckily—or not, depending on how you look at it—I was in good enough condition to take all my final tests the week after I was a punching bag. My brain may not have been in the best condition, but I think I did reasonably okay. Which is mainly in thanks to the studying Cooper had made me do. So, not only was I fighting fit physically, but I was getting their mentally, too, which had helped outside of my schoolwork as well.

  After our moment in the boy's bathroom after Mitchell and Cooper had left, things between and Leroy and I had slowly been getting better. They still weren’t perfect, but they were getting there.

  We were speaking again and not avoiding each other, which was better than nothing. I still wasn’t sitting with him at lunch, keeping myself with Cooper and Trent, and occasionally Blaire, when she wanted to flirt with Cooper, but everyone was okay with the setup.

  I still wasn’t able to wrap my head around the fact that Leroy had tried to kiss me. That he was gay. Of course, we hadn’t talked about it anymore. He was still with Grace. Trying to be someone he wasn’t. It was one of those reasons I didn’t want to go back to how things were. I couldn’t. Not while they were together.

  Another thing that had made things a lot easier was Mitchell not being at school. After the whole bathroom incident, my parents had got in contact with the school, and they had suspended him. I was worried about when he came back, however, but I did what I could not to think about it.

  “I mean, why are you freaking out all of a sudden?” I asked after a moment, my heartbeat quickening.

  I could feel I was on the verge of freaking out myself, now that Brad had started to do so himself. I was getting second-hand anxiety. Fantastic.

  “All of a sudden?” Bradly questioned, his voice getting sharper. “I’ve been freaking out for months about this. It’s just escalating!”

  “Just remember what I told you.”

  “Oh, God. I’m cured. Thank you!” Brad drooled sarcastically, and I rolled my eyes.

  The darkness at the back of the theatre was an excellent cover for my exasperation at Bradly.

  Luckily for us, everyone else involved in the auditions had decided to sit at the front of the theatre, along with the director and coordinators. It gave Bradly and me a chance to talk in private. Or, in this case, have mild panic attacks together.

  “Alright, no need to be a tool. I’m trying to help!”

  “You’re not doing a very good job.”

  “Or, you know, you could say, ‘thank you for coming to support me, Peter. It means a lot.’ Instead of shitting all over my support,” I snarled, lifting my head back up and focusing my attention on the guy now dancing on the stage.

  He was cute. Even from a distance, I could see that. Though, for some reason, I was finding a lot of guys to be attractive. Every time one smiled at me, I felt my heart flutter. None of them had a hold of me like Leroy did though. No smile could ever compare to his.

  I knew I had feelings for him, and still did, but I had only recently stopped being angry at him. I didn’t need to start crushing on him again. Especially since he wasn’t openly gay, and he was still with Grace. Everything about it was a big no.

  Plus, I didn’t even know if he liked me like that. Yeah, sure, he tried to kiss me, but that could mean anything. Maybe, gay people kiss other people for n
o reason. How the hell was I supposed to know?

  I couldn’t deny his smile, though. Always so bright and perfect—and oh, my God, I am crushing on him again.

  “Peter, Jesus. Are you okay?” Brad’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I turned to look at him.

  “What?” I asked bluntly before I could stop myself.

  My mind was still trained on Leroy, and my emotions were circling inside me like a cyclone. Did I want to kiss him? Was I still a little mad at him? Was I in love with him? Did I want him to come out as gay and be with me?

  The answer to all of those, was yes—and God, I hated myself for it.

  “You haven’t blinked in, like, two minutes,” Bradly stated, raising his eyebrows at me. “Your eyes will dry out.”

  “I was just thinking,” I murmured, blushing a little, before watching Brad turn his attention to the stage.

  “Oh…” he whispered, turning back to me with a smile, that I could only faintly see in the dark.

  “Oh, what?” I questioned before quickly realising where I had been looking before I zoned out. “Oh, no, no, no.”

  “It’s okay to be attracted to him, Pete.”

  “I’m not—I wasn’t—” I stammered, unsure of what to say.

  Yes, the guy on stage was cute, but I wasn’t staring at him. I was just staring. Blanky. God knows I didn’t want to talk about boys with my brother either. He accepted me for who I was, sure, but no way in hell was that conversation going to happen.

  “Hey, if you wanna flirt with him later, I may be able to talk to him after—”

  “Brad, no!” I whispered, doing my best to keep my voice down. The music that the guy was dancing to was soft, so I was pretty sure my voice would still carry.

  “I’m just saying,” Brad said smugly, and I wanted to knock that smugness right out of him.

  “And I’m just saying, leave it alone.”

  “Geez, don’t get grumpy. I thought gay meant happy?”

  “This gay is gonna kick your ass in a minute,” I warned, knowing full well I wouldn’t have any impact on Bradly, and he knew that as well.

  “We both know you couldn’t even make me flinch.” Bradly chuckled, leaning back in his chair.

  “You suck,” I mumbled, replicating him.

  At least with our little detoured conversation, Brad seemed to have calmed down, which, in turn, helped me not to freak out either. The thought of Leroy was also doing its part while simultaneously driving me insane.

  “Bradly Stone?” A voice from the front of the theatre called out, echoing off the walls, and Brad stiffened.

  “You’ll do great. Just do your thing.”

  I gave Brad a nudge out of his seat, and in the dark, I saw him shoot me a nervous smile before walking his way into the aisle and toward the stage.

  “He walks super weird when he’s nervous,” I mumbled to myself, watching Brad waddle onto the stage, waving awkwardly at the onlookers.

  I continued to watch as Brad and the guy I knew as the director spoke to each other, though given where I was seated, I couldn’t hear a word they were saying.

  After a few minutes, Brad took a few steps back and got into position, waiting for the music to start. Soon, as the soft music began to play, Bradly started his routine, moving swiftly and elegantly around the stage.

  It had been a very long time since I had seen him dance, and I missed attending his shows. It only took him a few moments to regain his confidence, and he was soon nailing every spin and leap and whatever else the moves were called. Not being a dancer, I had no idea what the technical terms were, but from what I could see, Brad was doing a good job.

  He was in sync with the music. He owned every beat and slid with every note. It was as if he was one with the music. It seemed as if, to Brad, nothing else in the world mattered as his body glided across the stage, breathing in the sounds of the music.

  It was mesmerising.

  All too soon, the song came to an end, and Bradly finished his final move, ending with one hand above his head and the other on his hip, facing away from the others in the crowd. There were a few scattered claps as he finished, and he turned around to give a small bow before getting off the stage and going to stand with the others who had already auditioned.

  My heart was still thumping loudly in my chest as I stared at the other people who still had their auditions to do. They all looked talented, and I hoped they weren’t as good as Brad.

  Not because I cared, or anything. But if Brad got it, I wouldn’t have to see his face every day.

  Well, maybe I cared a little.

  -Twenty-Four-

  What I Need

  Brad had told me that after his audition, he would have to wait around to hear what the results would be and that I could leave if I wanted. While I wasn’t going to stay sitting in a stuffy theatre for who knows how long, I wasn’t going to leave until I heard the news. So, quietly getting up from my seat as the director called for the next dancer, I made my way toward the aisle and to the exit, where, once out it, I was met with a warm, mid-December breeze.

  Kicking at a few loose rocks on the ground, I looked at the surrounding neighbourhood that was bathing in the orange glow of the sun. It was quite a quaint little place, and the theatre was tucked away into a beautiful, quiet corner. I could easily get lost, looking at the sunset over the houses. Listening to distant sounds and letting calmness overtake me.

  That would be the case if a certain someone wasn’t on my mind.

  Walking aimlessly around the outside of the theatre for close to thirty minutes, I could no longer resist the urge to message Leroy. Maybe it would help me get him off my mind.

  At first, messaging him was weird. While we had started speaking again at school, that communication hadn’t made it to texting, due to us being unsure of… well, pretty much everything. Our current relationship was extremely complicated, and we wanted to take it slowly. One step at a time.

  Both of us seemed to be treading on ice with each message we sent, the more we spoke, the less awkward it got. The more it seemed like things could go back to normal.

  I told him about Brad’s audition and how I thought he had done really well, and Leroy started telling me some of the things that I had been missing out on when sitting with Cooper and Trent. Like, how Andy and Carly had been talking a lot more and getting closer, even though Blaire and Leroy had been warning him against it.

  They did have a point. Carly had broken Andy’s heart once before. It had not been pretty.

  Continuing to walk back and forth in the parking lot, Leroy told me that he had to go, and we said our goodbyes. Thankfully, not long after, Brad sent me a message telling me to get back inside.

  Feeling my heart in my throat, for no apparent reason other than feeling anxious for Brad, I walked through the entrance and into the lobby where Brad was waiting for me. “How did you know I was still here?” I asked, walking over to him, trying not to look at the cute male dancers that surrounded him.

  “I looked out the window and saw you,” Brad answered smoothly, which made me a little uneasy. Why was he so calm?

  “I didn’t realise you could see out of those,” I said, looking over at the windows, which were heavily tinted on the outside, but easy to see through on the inside. “Huh.”

  “Anyway… I got it,” Brad said suddenly, and I turned back to him.

  “Are you serious?”

  “He is,” the cute guy who had gone on stage before Brad answered with a smile as he patted Brad on the back.

  “That’s awesome!” I almost yelled, pulling Brad into a hug, before quickly pulling away and readjusting myself. “We never speak of that hug.”

  “Of course,” Brad smiled and turned to the cute guy who still had his hand on Bradly’s back. “Cody, this is my brother, Peter.”

  Oh, Bradly, you fuck.

  “Hey, Peter! It’s nice to meet you,” Cody said with a smile, holding his hand out. Begrudgingly I took it. It was warm and ver
y sweaty.

  “You, too, Cody,” I responded, returning his smile, before shooting Brad a glare.

  “So, you came to support your brother?” Cody asked as if the answer wasn’t obvious.

  “I sure did.”

  “That’s sweet.” Cody moved a little closer to me as he dropped my hand, and my stomach replicated the movement, and I could feel my face heating up. Why was he moving closer to me? And how did he smell so good?

  “Well, you know what they say,” I said, moving back a little bit and making a mental note to get Bradly back for this.

  “No… what do they say?” Cody chuckled, flashing me another smile.

  “Supportive brothers are… good ones,” I made up on the spot and mentally cursed myself.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that one before.” Cody laughed, and I saw Brad give me a questioning look, which I returned with another glare.

  “Well, it’s pretty common—you just mustn’t listen to people very often.”

  “I don’t know… I’d like to think I’m a pretty good listener.”

  “You’d make for a good nurse,” I stated. I have no idea why that was something that came to my mind, but in my defence, I did not do well in awkward situations.

  “Thanks?” Cody questioned, looking at Brad, who gave a quick shrug.

  “Don’t look at me.”

  “Anyway…” I trailed off, hoping that Brad would see I was uncomfortable and give me an escape route, but he did not.

  “Brad says you’re in your final year of school,” Cody stated, trying his best to keep a conversation going between us, which, honestly, was a good quality.

  Sadly, my mind was trained on someone else, and no amount of good qualities would make me fall for Cody.

  “I am, yes. He’s very observant.”

  “Well, this is going well,” Brad muttered, patting Cody on the back.

  “That’s cool… do you also dance?” Cody asked.

  “He does. But I’ve seen him dance, and it’s not very good.” A voice floated in from behind me, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and goose bumps trail down my arms.

  Holy fuck, that voice is music to my ears.