This Is Me

by Finn

  “Leroy?” Brad asked, and I turned around to look toward the theatre door.

  There, standing in all his glory, was Leroy. Wearing a shy smile as his eyes locked with mine.

  “Can I… uh, can I steal you for a minute?” Leroy asked, and I quickly nodded.

  “Oh, God, yes. Yes, you can.”

  Mentally thanking whatever being was watching over me and getting me out of this awkward situation, I turned back to Brad, glancing at Cody as I did. His face seemed to have dropped at the sight of Leroy.

  “I’ll, uh, talk to you later. Congratulations, slut. I’m, uh, happy for you.”

  Brad and I shared a quick nod before I turned back around to face Leroy again, walking toward him slowly. His long hair was pushed back, though a few curls found their way to hang in front of his face. He was wearing a crinkled white shirt, with denim jeans that rolled up slightly at the cuff, and it made me somewhat angry that he looked so good. It was challenging not to have a crush on him.

  Giving me a soft smile, Leroy turned around, and we both made our way out into the parking lot before beginning to walk down the deserted road aimlessly. It surprised me how little activity was happening in the street, but then again, it was starting to get pretty late. I had been at the audition for hours.

  “So, uh, why are you here?” I asked, trying not to sound so blunt, but I think I failed.

  “I don’t… know,” Leroy muttered, and I turned to him to see him looking at the ground. “When we were messaging I just… I wanted to see you. I don’t know.”

  “I mean, I’m not unhappy to see you.”

  “Yeah, and, like, I thought we could just hang out.”

  “Right, because we’re friends.”

  “Exactly. It isn’t weird to hang out.”

  “Not at all. That’s what friends do.”

  “And that’s what we are. Nothing less or more.”

  “Exactly.”

  The awkward exchange between us echoed in my mind as we continued to walk down the street and fell into an uncomfortable silence. I could have guessed that it would be this way when the two of us got together without any of our other friends around, but this was ridiculous. Couldn’t either of us act like a normal human being for once?

  “So, uh, Mitchell told the principal that I punched him,” Leroy said after a couple of minutes, and I came to a stop.

  “What happened?” I asked, and Leroy stopped walking, too, leaning up against the wall of the alley we had stopped by.

  “Well, I stretched the truth a little bit, and said it was self-defence, so, I didn’t get suspended.”

  “That’s great,” I said with an encouraging smile, but Leroy shrugged, and I leant against the wall beside him.

  “I’m not allowed to go to the school ball.”

  “I mean, that isn’t a great loss.”

  Leroy chuckled at my words before shrugging again. I had the feeling there was something else playing on his mind, but he couldn’t find the words. I knew that feeling all too well.

  “Still… it would be my last one before I left high school.”

  “Yeah, I get what you mean. You’ll miss the fireworks.”

  “Not the only thing I’ll be missing,” Leroy mumbled, and my heart leapt in my chest. “I know you said you didn’t want to talk about… stuff. That happened,” Leroy added, and my heart continued to skip several beats.

  “I’d still much rather we didn’t,” I said quietly, watching Leroy nod slowly.

  “Well, then, how’s your face?”

  “Getting better. Your hand?”

  “It was just a sprained wrist, so, all good.”

  We may not have been talking about our feelings and the topic I was desperately trying to avoid, but this awkwardness between us and weird silences was not much of an improvement.

  “I’m sorry you can’t come to the ball.”

  “I did break his nose, Pete. We both got a week. I think that’s fair,” Leroy explained, his eyes locking onto the ground.

  “Still… I wish we could trade places. I don’t want to go, but I promised Cooper I’d be his date. As a friend,” I quickly added, though, I’m not sure why.

  Leroy gave me a quick smile and looked down at the ground. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t freaking out over the fact that I was hanging out alone with Leroy. The boy who I had been slowly falling in love with. Even with the short, undeserved hatred I’d sent his way for a little while, it didn’t feel like it dampened my feelings for him when it was over.

  In fact, standing here with Leroy now, my feelings for him seemed to be doubling. Maybe it was because we were alone together. The last two times we were alone together a lot had happened, so, I wasn’t blaming myself if I thought the same could happen here.

  “I like you,” Leroy said suddenly, and I mentally cursed.

  I fucking knew something would happen.

  “Roy—”

  “I have for a while, and I need you to know that.”

  “Is this why you came to see me?” I asked, feeling my face heat up and stomach twist and turn.

  I had wanted to hear those words for so long, but not like this. Not when there was still so much that stopped anything from happening. We may have been speaking again and spending time together, but there was still so much between us.

  “I don’t want things to go back to normal. Because I don’t want to ruin it,” Leroy said, looking up at me, a shy grin sliding onto his face.

  It was such a stupid moment to be smiling and a stupid thing to be smiling about, but here he was, wearing that Goddamn smirk. It was perfect. It always had been. Even when he was unsure of himself and shy, it still managed to light everything up around him.

  I was so fucking in love with him.

  “I… Leroy.” I had no idea what I was trying to say, and his name was all I could manage to get out.

  “I just—”

  “I like you, too.”

  I finally found the words I wanted to say. The ones I had wanted to say for ages. The ones I wished I could say in a different situation. I didn’t want to say them now. I knew they wouldn’t make any difference, but I couldn’t hold them in any longer.

  “But you’re not ready,” I muttered, feeling a few tears make their way out of my eyes. “And you’re with Grace. And you can’t do this. Leroy, it isn’t fair.”

  I looked at Leroy as more tears started to roll freely down my cheeks, and I could see Leroy’s eyes beginning to get watery, too, as he tried to find something to say.

  I could feel my heartbeat picking up in speed, and I could see the hurt and confusion in his eyes. He didn’t deserve this, but neither did I.

  “I just—” Leroy started, but I can’t him off.

  “Don’t, Leroy. Why did you come here? Why did you think this would be a good idea?”

  “I don’t know. I want to be ready to… be… me, and I know I’m not, but I can’t just… I’m losing myself,” Leroy finally finished as he began to break down in front of me, and I pushed off the wall and moved closer to him.

  “You’re trying to hold onto something that isn’t going to last.”

  “I’m trying to hold onto a home. To a dad,” Leroy said, his voice cracking.

  It looked as though he was making a move to reach out to me before shoving his hands into his pockets.

  “Then you’re not ready,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady, though failing, hearing it shake. “And what you’re doing… it’s not fair.”

  “I didn’t know you liked me.”

  “That isn’t the point. You’re with Grace. And I get it. The fear. But sometimes you just need to let go.”

  “When I’m with you, I feel like I can. I’ve always felt like I can.” Leroy’s voice continued to break as he pushed off the wall, too, and took a step closer to me. “But I can’t. And I’m sorry. For this. For everything.”

  “Don’t be.”

  As much as it pained me, I knew I couldn’t hold it against him.
I couldn’t be angry at him because he was trying. All Leroy wanted to do was get out of the prison cell he was in. He had spent the last few months trying to regain his footing again. Trying to find who he was. He was lost and scared and just wanted to feel like he belonged. Just like me.

  Unlike me, however, Leroy’s father hadn’t been as understanding as mine. He hadn’t come around like my mother. In Leroy’s eyes, he’d lost his father. I couldn’t let him lose any more. And if he let go of who he was trying to be, I couldn’t guarantee it.

  “It just feels like I’m drowning,” Leroy whispered, looking to the ground and closing his eyes. “I just wanted to get out. I thought I could if I just…”

  “You don’t have to explain it to me, Leroy. Or to anyone,” I started, taking another deep breath.

  I knew what I wanted to say, but I was terrified to say it. It meant I would be throwing away the one thing I had wanted for ages. Giving up the person I wanted. But I knew Leroy couldn’t give me what I needed. Not right now.

  “Leroy, you don’t have to do anything right now. You don’t have to make that choice. No matter what, there will be people to have your back. I’ll have your back. But…” I paused for a moment as Leroy looked up from the ground to face me

  I could see tears still falling from his eyes, just as they were from mine. Even after everything that had happened, and what Leroy had done—I couldn’t do the same thing to him. But I couldn’t do this either.

  “I can’t do this, Leroy. Us. Pretending that Grace isn’t there. I don’t want to feel like a lie. I will be there for you and help you figure this all out, but I can’t pretend that I don’t feel something for you. I can’t pretend that it isn’t there. I’m ready to be me. I’m ready to be myself. I can’t do that if I’m with someone who isn’t. Even if that wasn’t your intention. That’s what I’m ready for.”

  “So am I,” Leroy started, blinking a few tears away. “I mean, I will be.”

  “I’m sorry. But that isn’t good enough.” My voice continued to crack with each word I spoke. I still couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I knew I had to. It was the right thing. “You’ve already got something. Maybe that is who you’re meant to be. And Grace seems nice. Don’t fuck it up.”

  Taking a deep breath and hating every moment of what was happening, I mustered every ounce of strength in my body to give Leroy a small smile.

  “I’ll see you… I don’t know… hopefully after the ball.”

  With that, I gave a small nod and wiped my eyes before turning away from Leroy. I hated that I was doing this. It felt as though my heart was slowly splitting into pieces, but I couldn’t turn back. I hoped he would forgive me for walking away. I hoped he understood why.

  Walking back down the street, we had come down, I couldn’t stop the tears continuing to roll down my face. The thought that I had just ruined my happily-ever-after plagued my mind, and it continued to do so as I reached the theatre.

  I wasn’t sure where Brad was or how long he would be, so I wandered into the carpark and slipped in my car, hoping I would be able to recompose myself before Brad appeared.

  My mind, however, wouldn’t stop reeling. The thought of Leroy standing in the alley kept circling my brain, and the tears kept coming. And as I looked back down the road we had walked, I couldn’t stop feeling as though I had left my heart behind.

  -Twenty-Five-

  Peer Of The Year

  “This sucks,” Andy mumbled, fiddling with the collar of his shirt. His eyes locked onto Cooper’s full body mirror, scraping up and down his figure.

  Saturday night was on us, and the school ball was closing in. Andy, Blaire, and I had all converged to Cooper’s mum’s house to get ready. Well, to help Cooper get ready, which was over quicker than I’d thought.

  “Why? Because you don’t have a date?” Blaire teased, leaning up against Cooper’s bedroom door.

  “I do have a date, thank you very much,” Andy shot back, glaring at her in the reflection.

  “No, he’s bummed out because Leroy’s banned from the ball,” Cooper mocked, bouncing slightly on his bed with his legs crossed.

  My heart stuttered at the sound of Leroy’s name as I swayed next to Cooper as he bounced. I hadn’t told anyone about what had happened the previous night, nor had I spoken to Leroy since. With the way Andy and Blaire had been looking at me though, I had a feeling Leroy may have told them. They weren’t cold looks, and I could sense there was understanding in them. Although Andy looked as though he was trying not to say something about what had happened. Hopefully, he could control himself.

  I felt terrible about what had happened and for walking away, and I really didn’t need Andy saying anything about it. I would make it up to Leroy. I would talk to him and help him. For now, though, I needed some space. I hoped the school ball would give me that. After all, the plan was to meet up with Leroy afterward at The Coffee House. I would have to face what I had left behind.

  “Wha—have we officially met?” Andy asked, turning around to look at Cooper.

  “You nodded at me when you walked into my house, so, I think so?” Cooper snickered, and Andy shook his head, turning back to the mirror.

  “Well, anyway, it just sucks he isn’t going to be there. Right, Pete?” Andy asked, training his eyes on mine in the mirror, and my stomach twisted.

  “Yeah, it does,” I replied with a strained smile.

  It wasn’t a lie. It would suck without Leroy there, but between the awkwardness and fresh wounds—well, fresher wounds—that were now between us, it was for the best he wasn’t. I couldn’t tell Andy that, though. However, something told me he already knew.

  “Mhm,” he hummed, fixing his eyes back onto his collar. “This fuck won’t stay down.”

  “Why wear that shirt then?” Blaire asked, and Andy scoffed.

  “Because it’s the only one that goes with the rest of the outfit!”

  “Black jeans and white shoes?” Cooper questioned with his eyebrows raised.

  “The pants are a dark navy, Jesus Christ, whatever. Can we go?” Andy spun around to face the rest of the room. His shirt collar still sitting at an odd angle.

  “No, Andy. We don’t want to leave until you’re ready,” I said with a smile, causing him to roll his eyes.

  “I am ready!” Andy huffed, attempting one last time to fix his collar but failing.

  “This is getting sad now. Let’s just go before he has an aneurysm,” Blaire muttered, gesturing for everyone to follow her out of the room.

  “This is my house, shouldn’t I be leading?” Cooper asked in a low whisper as we both slipped off the bed and followed Andy and Blaire out of the room.

  “Blaire has a habit of owning any space she occupies,” I whispered back. “She’s like a straight, white male.”

  “What? Not being able to get their shit together, so taking everyone else’s?” Cooper raised his eyebrows, and I shrugged.

  “Pretty much. She just does it with less invasiveness and murder.”

  “And she’s none of those things you just listed.”

  “So empowering,” I whispered with fake awe, and Cooper chuckled, before Blaire’s voice rippled through the hall.

  “Come on, guys! Andy has made us late already!”

  “I did not!” I heard Andy mutter as Cooper, and I got closer to them.

  “Be safe, everyone,” Cooper’s mum said, walking into the small hall we were in and opening the front door.

  “We will.” Cooper smiled at his mum and walked past everyone and outside.

  “Thank you for having us,” Andy, Blaire, and I said in unison as we followed Cooper outside.

  “Any time. Bye, sweetie!”

  “Bye, Mum!” Cooper called back to the house and made his way over to my car. “Shotgun.”

  “Wha—Oh, son of a bitch,” Andy mumbled, and I laughed, giving Cooper a thumbs up.

  “Thanks for helping me get ready,” Cooper said with a smile, while Andy and Blaire got into the
car.

  “Any time,” I said replicating Cooper’s grin, walking to the driver’s side and taking a deep breath before getting in the car.

  “I’m a little sad Trent isn’t here, though.”

  “Yeah. Not for him, I hope.”

  “No, no. Lucky bastard got to go on a family holiday after his exams,” Cooper said with a laugh. “It’d just be cool to have everyone here.”

  “I get that,” I said, smiling at Cooper.

  As much as I wanted to keep my mind on the night ahead, I couldn’t stop it front drifting to Leroy, and how much I wished things could be different.

  The drive to the school was quiet. I had no doubt that Cooper’s mind was trained on the fact he was about to be in an enclosed space with a bunch of people. Some of whom have shown to have strong opinions about who he was. My mind would be in the same place if it weren’t for the previous night. If my mind wasn’t still being circled by the thought of Leroy. Andy and Blaire kept exchanging looks in the back, occasionally glancing at me. They definitely knew what had happened. Of course, Leroy told them.

  Once we arrived at school, Andy quickly rushed off to meet up with his date—which he still wouldn’t tell us about—leaving Blaire, Cooper, and myself in the car.

  “I knew we’d be late,” Blaire mumbled, watching a few kids walk out of the school to have a moment of privacy. “Look, they’re already setting up the fireworks!”

  “I still think that is a terrible idea,” Cooper said, looking over at the workers setting the fireworks up, concern written on his face.

  “Didn’t it cause a fire last year?” Blaire asked, slowly getting out of the car. Cooper and I followed suit. Loud music greeted our ears.

  “It did. I think they’re taking more precautions this year,” I replied after I locked my car. “Aren’t you the reason they’re bringing them back?” I questioned Blaire, and she shrugged.

  “They’re pretty. Fuck you.”

  “I don’t know why they can’t just have a normal dance like a regular school,” Cooper said as we all began walking toward the school.

  I did my best to ignore the couple making-out against the car next to mine.