This Is Me

by Finn

  “Because our principal is a twelve-year-old stuck in an old man’s body.” I chuckled, and the others joined me.

  “You have a valid point,” Blaire said and jumped slightly as Donny’s voice came out of nowhere. “That’s why he said yes to me.”

  “Peter!”

  “Hey, Donny,” I greeted him as he appeared from behind me and placed his arm around my shoulders. “Didn’t see you there.”

  “I was just hooking up with my date!” Donny exclaimed, gesturing to a girl who was walking behind him, Jessica, I believe her name was.

  “Good for you, Donny,” Blaire snarled, and I reached around and gave her a small nudge.

  “Be nice.”

  Blaire gave me a nod before focusing her attention in front of her, and I turned to Donny. “What brings you over here?”

  Even though it had been well over a month since Donny had apologised to me, I still was unsure of him. He seemed friendly enough toward me, and he had stood up for me, so, I thought I was in the clear. Though, the faded bruise that sat on my face made me cautious of everyone who wasn’t in my immediate friend group.

  “So, are you still coming to the party me and Georgie are throwing after this?” Donny asked, keeping his eyes on me. “Everyone is going.”

  “Oh, well, thanks, Donny,” I said slowly. “We already have some plans, though. Kind of the last night as high schoolers thing.”

  “No sweat, man. If you can drop by though!”

  “Donny,” Jessica mumbled, and Donny turned to exchange looks with her.

  “Alright, I’ll see you around, guys!” Donny said with a smile, before grabbing Jessica’s wrist and pulling her off into the carpark. Both of them laughing.

  “They’re going to have sex, aren’t they?” Cooper asked, looking after them.

  “I just hope it’s not near my car,” I mumbled, finally reaching the door to the school’s hall. The music now even louder and making it hard to even hear myself.

  I glanced over at Blaire and Cooper who nodded, and we made our way inside. If I thought it was loud outside, it was nothing compared to what it was inside. The mixture of music blaring and teenagers yelling was enough to drive one insane, but that didn’t stop me from beginning to push through the other students. The flashing of colourful lights, and lack of actual lights that would help me be able to see made it challenging to make my way through the hall. Cooper must have felt that same, as when I turned around, I saw him latching onto my jacket.

  Giving Cooper a small smile—which I’m sure he didn’t see—I continued to make my way across the hall, trying to avoid getting knocked over or tripping over pieces of ribbon that had fallen from the roof and onto the floor. Thankfully, after hitting a few balloons out of the way, Cooper and I made it to the other side of the hall and stood pressed against the wall, out of the way of everyone else. Blaire soon joined us.

  “They’re getting ready to do the Peer of the Year,” Blaire yelled into my ear, and even then, I only just managed to hear her.

  “Already?” I yelled back, leaning closer to her ear. How late were we?

  Blaire nodded, pulling out her phone and showing me the time. It was almost nine o’clock. Which answered my question. We were very late.

  “Fucking Andy,” I mumbled, just as the song ended and the other students cheered.

  “Why are we fucking Andy?” Andy’s voice greeted my ears as he pushed through a few students, Carly hanging onto his arm.

  “Oh, my God,” Blaire muttered, looking at Carly, who smiled brightly at us.

  “Do you know how late you made us?” I asked him, trying to ignore the fact his date was a girl who had broken his heart before.

  “Who cares! We missed all the boring bits!” Andy exclaimed, wrapping his arm around Carly, who giggled. “We arrived when everyone is already letting loose!”

  “Which is now coming to a standstill for the Peer of the Year crap,” I mumbled, crossing my arms and seeing Cooper nod his head beside me.

  “It’ll take two minutes tops. Then it’ll almost be time for fireworks!” Andy said, excitement lacing his voice.

  “Isn’t he so cute?” Carly asked, kissing Andy on the cheek, and I could tell Blaire was resisting the urge to knock her out.

  We had been through this Andy and Carly thing one too many times before.

  “Adorable.” Blaire sighed and rolled her eyes before turning her attention to the front of the hall.

  Riley—a guy a year below us—walked onto the stage and waited for everyone to quieten down.

  “Hello, all my fellow high schoolers, and welcome to the end of the year school ball!” Riley announced and bathed in the excited screams from his peers.

  “I haven’t asked, how are things with Cooper?” I asked Blaire in a low whisper.

  I wasn’t sure why Riley had reminded me that Blaire liked Cooper—maybe it was because Blaire hadn’t taken her eyes off Cooper since she had caught up to us through the crowd. Who knows.

  Since I had made the stupid mistake of asking Cooper about the whole Blaire situation, we hadn’t spoken about it since. I had kept my distance from the topic and tried to make my brain do the same. Cooper was right. He could take care of himself.

  That said, however, I was still curious if something would actually happen between them. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, right?

  Blaire didn’t answer though. All she did was wink in reply. I had no idea what that meant.

  Straight people.

  “Now, I know you all want to get back to dancing, making-out, and definitely not drinking alcohol. So, I will make this short and sweet!” Riley gestured to a girl to the side of the stage, who quickly jumped up and joined him in front of everyone, bringing a large, colourful, cardboard box with her.

  “Thank you, Clarrie. Now, in this comically large box, is one name. Yes. Only one tiny piece of paper is in this box, and it contains the name of the Peer of the Year. Every single student has voted, and the name in this box was the most voted for person in the school!”

  A few of the students clapped and cheered, but most of them stood, waiting for Riley to announce who it was.

  Starring up onto the stage at Riley, I noticed for the first time what he was wearing—a white shirt and denim jeans with the cuffs rolled up.

  The same thing that Leroy had been wearing yesterday.

  My mind began to slowly tick over, getting faster and faster with each second, thinking about what I had done. What if we couldn’t get back from that? All I wanted was for things to go back to how they were. Yes, it wasn’t ideal. Me falling in love with him while he was oblivious, but it was better than this. It was better than feeling as though my heart was being stripped away, one sliver at a time.

  I had no idea what Leroy was thinking. But I now knew what he was going through. I knew that everything I had feared for myself—losing my family, my friends, and having to pretend that it was nothing—Leroy was living that.

  Everything had worked out for me. I had got my friends and made new ones. I was accepted into my home. I was loved, and I could be myself. But Leroy didn’t. Leroy couldn’t be himself. Unless he was with me.

  ‘When I’m with you, I feel like I can. I’ve always felt like I can.’

  And I’d pushed him away. I’d left him alone. What if he doesn’t feel that way anymore? What if I had ruined that for him, and he no longer felt like he could be himself around me?

  When I wasn’t out, I would have given anything to be able to be myself and completely let go. Yes, I had Blaire and Brad, but I still always held on. It wasn’t until I spoke with Jordan—someone like me—that I was finally able to do that.

  I had robbed Leroy of that.

  “Now, the Peer of the Year is… Peter Stone!”

  The students began to cheer as soon as Riley said my name, and I was pulled out of my thoughts. I looked around at all the students who were yelling my name, and I turned to Cooper, who was wearing a surprised look. My heart was thumpi
ng loudly in my chest, so much so everyone could probably see my chest moving. Blaire gave me a quick jab in the arm, and I looked at her, a broad smile plastered on her face.

  “Go up on the stage, Peter!”

  “I…”

  I couldn’t find the words to say as I continued to stand frozen where I was.

  I didn’t want this. I didn’t deserve it. The sound of my name being shouted over and over was drilling into my mind, and I felt my breathing start getting laboured.

  I need to get out.

  “I need some air,” I said quickly, pushing past Blaire and making my way through the crowded students, away from the stage.

  The cheering soon stopped as all eyes were seemingly on me, but I kept my head down and powered through. As I reached the door, Riley spoke again.

  “Uh, well, does anyone want to accept it on Peter’s behalf?”

  Opening the door and quickly slipping outside, I heard Blaire yell that she would, and I cursed at myself.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  My whole body was shaking, and I took in a deep breath. Being able to do that told me that it wasn’t a panic attack.

  “Peter!” Cooper’s voice came from behind me, and I turned to see him walking out of the hall. “Are you alright?”

  “No! I’m an asshole. I’m one of the worst people in this school, and I…” I trailed off as I pointed toward the hall, hating myself for snapping. “I don’t deserve any of that shit.”

  “Pete, you’re one of the most caring people I’ve met—if not the most,” Cooper stated, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and guiding me away from the hall. “You were the first person to never question who I was. And you were there. Always.”

  “I keep making mistakes.”

  I wanted to go back and fix everything I had done. That’s where I needed to go now. I needed to fix things.

  “You’re a teenager. That’s all we do, Peter.” Cooper squeezed my shoulders before letting out a chuckle. “Or should I say, Peer of the Year?”

  A small laugh escaped my lips. “You should not say that. You should never say that.”

  We both fell silent for a moment as we continued to slowly walk together. The night air, the fading music, and the comforting embrace of Cooper helped calm me down and clear my mind, and now I knew what I had to do.

  “I have to go. I’ll be back before the dance ends—” I started but cut myself off.

  We had walked around the outside of the school’s hall and over to the large field where the fireworks were being set up. My eyes scanned over the workers and landed on the boy who made my heart jump into my throat.

  Leroy was standing alone on the field, looking at me.

  -Twenty-Six-

  Fireworks

  “Hey.” Leroy’s voice was soft, and I was barely able to hear the word he spoke, and I felt Cooper shift beside me.

  “Leroy, what are you—” Cooper started, but I finished.

  “Doing here?”

  “I want to, uh,” Leroy trailed off and his eyes lingered on Cooper, who looked at me.

  “I think I’m going to leave you two alone for a hot minute.” Cooper nodded along with his own words and looked from Leroy to me.

  “Thank you, Cooper,” Leroy said, moving a few steps closer.

  Cooper gave Leroy a small smile before placing his hand on my shoulder. “There’s a lot of tension here, are you going to be okay?”

  “It’s fine. This is where I wanted to be,” I whispered, and Cooper nodded again.

  With that, Cooper dropped his hand back to his side and walked toward the school’s hall. As I watched, I caught him glance back one last time and give an encouraging thumbs-up before disappearing around the building.

  “Did you tell him?” Leroy asked, his voice unsure.

  “No. You told the other though, didn’t you?” I turned to face Leroy, who looked at the ground then back up to me.

  “I needed advice. I’m sorry if—” Leroy began, but I raised my hand and stopped him.

  “It’s fine. That’s your decision and… you shouldn’t be here, Roy.”

  I wasn’t sure why I said that, considering I wanted to see him. To talk to him and tell him that I was wrong and an idiot.

  “I know. But I need to apologise. Again,” Leroy added, taking another few steps toward me.

  My heart started to speed up again, and I could feel it against my ribcage.

  “You don’t need to. You don’t need to explain yourself anymore. I do—” I started but stopped as my eyes trailed down the boy in front of me. Sitting on the ground, next to where he had been standing, was a large gym bag. “What’s with the bag?”

  “Oh.” Leroy turned his head to eye the bag for a moment before looking back at me. “It’s the last of my stuff.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I went back home tonight because I didn’t want to be at Andy’s ‘cause he isn’t there.”

  “Leroy…”

  “Dad doesn’t want me at home anymore. He made me pack the rest of my stuff up.” Leroy nodded as he spoke and took another step toward me.

  “I…”

  “You told me not to fuck it up. But I did. Because I knew that if I didn’t, I would be fucking up something way more important.”

  I had no idea how Leroy was keeping his composure. His voice remained stable, and tears were vacant from his eyes. He was doing much better than I would have been. But there was something about the look on his face that told me he had already accepted what had happened.

  “Is there anything I can do?” I asked, unsure of what to say.

  I mean, what do you say in a situation like this? What do you do?

  “Can you just listen?” Leroy took another step forward so that we were only an arms-length apart. “Please.”

  I had left the hall to go to Leroy and explain myself, but he had taken me entirely by surprise, and everything I wanted to say had seemingly been thrown out the window.

  Giving Leroy a small nod, I took a quick look around us. The only people I could see were those setting up the fireworks. Everyone was either inside the hall or in a secluded place doing other things. Probably.

  “Okay.” My voice was barely a whisper, but Leroy nodded in acknowledgment and shuffled on the spot.

  “Pete, I knew what was coming. From my dad. I knew he was never going to accept me. But for ages, I thought I needed that. I thought I needed him to see me as… as his son. I used to think that if I just tried hard enough, that I could be. That everything could go back to how it was because everything seemed to work back then. Yeah, he wasn’t the father of the year, but I felt safe. We worked like a normal, disjointed family, and I was okay with that.”

  Leroy took a pause, and I took one last step toward him, staying silent and waiting for him to continue. After a few moments, he did.

  “Pete, I didn’t start going to Andy’s because my dad didn’t talk to me. Or didn’t look at me. If all he did was not treat me as a son, maybe I could have been okay with that. Maybe I could have stayed.”

  “Leroy, what happened?” I reached out to grab Leroy’s arm, but he flinched away at my touch. “Leroy…”

  “I’m fine,” Leroy said quickly, grabbing his arm where I had touched. “Just know that I couldn’t stay. I went back tonight because I thought maybe for one night it would be okay. That I could be accepted. That he wouldn’t…”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, reaching out for him again but having second thoughts and putting my hand back to my side.

  I knew it was a stupid question. If what I thought Leroy was saying was correct, why would he tell me? After all, I’m probably one of the reasons why it was happening. If I had just stayed out of it and kept my mouth shut, maybe he would still have a father. A home.

  If I had just stayed away.

  “Because I… I wanted to be normal. I felt telling you would make everything so much more real. The same reason I stopped talking to you. The sam
e reason I kept trying to be someone else. Trying to be someone who wouldn’t be judged. Wouldn’t be looked down on. I was scared to be me. To look into the face of my dad and everyone else and have them not accept me.”

  As Leroy continued to speak, his firm, steady voice began to waver and crack, and he took a moment to steady himself again. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. I watched as one hand fidgeted by his side, while the other gripped his arm, and he grimaced as he did so.

  I was sure that he was cradling a bruise, and I was confident it wasn’t the only one on his body. I felt a shiver run down my spine as the thought of what Leroy had been through rushed through my mind.

  “But then there’s you,” Leroy said after a minute of silence, and let out a long sigh.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’ve tried so hard to feel like myself. Even before I knew I was gay, I always felt out of place. No matter what I did, or tried, I never felt like I fit anywhere. Every time I did something to be what someone else wanted me to be, it just felt like I was falling further and further away from who I was supposed to be. But then there was you.

  “Even before I knew who I was. There was something about you that made me feel like I belonged. Something that made me feel like I was on the right track and could be someone. Someone who wasn’t trying to please everyone around them. There was something about you that felt right. Every time I saw you smile or heard you laugh, I knew I was in the right place. That I was going in the right direction. Hell, you’re the reason I tried out for the football team. I just wanted to… you made me feel like I was doing the right thing.”

  “I had no idea,” I muttered, shuffling closer to Leroy. We were less than a foot apart now, and I could hear the shakiness in his quiet breathing. The familiar scent of butter coconut swirled around me, and I had to resist the urge to lean into him.

  ‘That was the point,” Leroy whispered, a small chuckle escaping his lips.

  I could hear the strain in his voice and how much effort he was using to not fall apart. He had been fighting a battle for so long, and I’d had no idea. Maybe I had been the jerk.

  “I’m sorry. I—”