This Is Me

by Finn

  “No, Pete. You didn’t know. I didn’t want you to.”

  “What changed?” I asked, my voice going lower, and Leroy leaned in closer, causing my breath to catch in my throat.

  “Last night. You said I wasn’t ready to be me. To stop hiding who I was. That’s the thing, Pete. I am ready. I didn’t realise it last night because I was still holding on to the notion that I needed to be accepted in the eyes of everyone else. To be the person they want to see, but I don’t.

  “Pete, the only person I want to accept me, is you. You’re the only person whose opinion I care about. And I feel so stupid for taking this long to realise that.”

  Leroy let out a small laugh as he shook his head, and I slowly moved my hand toward him, brushing it against his.

  “You don’t even need that,” I whispered, my voice quivering slightly.

  Quickly, I looked around the field and saw the firework workers were still the only people around us. Turning back to Leroy, I looked down at his hand, where mine gently brushed beside and slowly wrapped my fingers around his, my heart threatened to stop as he squeezed my hand.

  “I shouldn’t have walked away last night.”

  “You did the right thing, Pete,” Leroy muttered, still squeezing my hand. “You made me realise I needed to do the right thing, too.”

  “I don’t—”

  “I told Grace,” Leroy said definitely, and my stomach swirled. “You were right. It wasn’t fair.”

  “What did she say?” I asked stupidly, shaking my head at the words as they came out of my mouth.

  “Not much.”

  “What if she tells others?”

  “I don’t care. I wasn’t lying when I said that.”

  “Leroy…” His name was all I was able to say, as we both stood together, listening to the faint sound of music coming from the hall.

  “This sounds like a slow song,” Leroy muttered, and I felt his free arm slither around my back, and he carefully pulled me closer. “Can I have this dance?”

  “I’d be an idiot to say no,” I said with a chuckle and closed the small space that was left between us.

  We were now standing chest-to-chest. Both of us had one arm wrapped around each other, while our other hand was still intertwined. This wasn’t how I’d imagined my first dance with Leroy to be, but I couldn’t complain. The music was almost non-existent for us in the field, but the sky was clear, and the stars were bright, and the warmth of Leroy’s body fought off the cold night air with ease.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Leroy muttered in my ear as I rested my chin on his shoulder.

  “Don’t be. It wasn’t my place. I’m sorry I was an asshole” I whispered back, moving my arm up his back. As I did, I felt Leroy tense up and shift uncomfortably. “I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s fine. Just, be gentle.” Leroy chuckled, and I moved my hands back down to where they were. “And I think we were both assholes.”

  The soft music continued to play, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t straining to hear it. Leroy didn’t seem to be having too much of a problem though, as he led our gentle swaying. With what I could hear of the music, we seemed to be in time.

  “No. It’s not your fault, Roy,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

  “No, it is. I knew what I was doing, and I knew it was wrong. I was just in a delusional world, thinking everything would be okay if I just played along with what other people wanted from me. I thought I could carry on without getting any more bruises.”

  Leroy’s voice faltered as the final words came out of his mouth, and he let go of my hand and wrapped his arm around my back, somehow managing to pull us closer together.

  “How many?” I asked in a low whisper.

  “Too many.”

  “How many tonight?”

  Leroy took a moment of silence before he answered, and we stopped our swaying, the faint sound of music still making its way to our ears.

  “I’m sorry. You don’t have to,” I mumbled, feeling like an insensitive idiot for asking.

  “I will tell you more. But… can we just enjoy this moment?” Leroy asked, and I nodded into his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry about last night.”

  “Pete, what did I just say?” Leroy chuckled.

  “Sorry.”

  “Stop apologising.”

  “Sorry—” I started but stopped myself, cleaning my throat.

  I felt Leroy snicker again, his body vibrating against mine, and I smiled. As much as I was concerned that this would all fade away, I couldn’t help but ignore the worry. This was where I wanted to be. Even if it felt as though it wouldn’t last.

  “So, I guess with everything that’s happened. I can safely say that you really don’t like-like Blaire,” Leroy whispered into my ear, and I could feel him holding back a laugh.

  “Really, Roy?”

  “I thought it was funny.”

  “You’re an idiot.”

  “Well, I want to be your idiot.” Leroy stopped swaying and pulled away from me.

  It was only at that moment that I realised the music wasn’t playing anymore. How long had we been swaying to silence for? Looking around Leroy, I saw the firework workers finishing setting up, and I turned back to Leroy.

  “As much as I want to know what you mean by that, the fireworks are going to start soon, and this field is going to be full of students.”

  “Oh, I’ll get to see who won Peer of the Year.”

  “You already have,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes, and Leroy raised his eyes brows at me.

  “You? Where’s your sash?” Leroy asked with a bright smile.

  “I left before I could get it. Kind of made a scene. Thinking back, I’ve made a few of those.”

  I laughed, and Leroy’s smile grew brighter, and I thought I could stay there and stare at him all night.

  “Well, I guess everyone would want to come out and surround the Peer of the Year to watch the fireworks.”

  “Never call me that again,” I said, shaking my head.

  “I’m sure you’ll look amazing with the sash on.”

  “Leroy,” I started, but stopped as I heard voices coming from behind me. Turning around, I saw the shadows of students poking out from around the building, dancing in the light. “You should go.”

  “Why?” Leroy asked, and I turned to face him again.

  “You don’t want them to see us like this, do you?”

  “Didn’t you listen to what I said? I don’t care, Pete.”

  “I just thought—”

  “No,” Leroy whispered, pulling me close again. Our foreheads almost touching. “This is me. I don’t care who sees that. Not anymore.”

  “Who’s that with Peter?”

  “Is that Leroy?”

  “What’s Peter and Leroy doing?”

  “I didn’t think he was meant to be here?”

  The voices of other students reached my ears as they got closer to us, filling up the field in preparation of the fireworks. However, instead of everyone’s eyes being on the sky, it felt like they were all on Leroy and me.

  “Roy, you’re shaking,” I muttered, trying not to focus on the students who were now standing around us.

  “Well, I want to ask you something, and I’m nervous.” Leroy gave me a small smile—which was hard to see considering our foreheads were now touching, which sent shivers down my spine.

  “I didn’t know Leroy was gay?” I heard someone say, and I felt Leroy take a deep breath.

  “Leroy—” I began, but he cut me off.

  “Can I kiss you?”

  I could still feel Leroy shaking slightly in my arms as he spoke. But I understood that now, as I was also shaking. Leroy’s question had taken me by complete surprise, and I had to do my best not to look around to see if anyone had heard.

  “I’m sorry. What?” I asked quietly. Maybe I had heard him wrong. Or maybe one of us was having a stroke.

  “I would like to kiss you if that’s okay?�
� Leroy’s arms tightened around me.

  As I felt myself, somehow, be pulled closer to Leroy, collapsing into the warmth of his arms, I had never felt safer. Everything that had happened seemed like nothing. All the worry in my mind dissipated, and the only thing that mattered was this moment. Was Leroy. Was us.

  “Only if you want to. If you’re ready,” I murmured back, and I felt Leroy take another deep breath before tilting his head.

  Closing my eyes, I followed Leroy’s lead, tilting my head and slowly leaning forward, waiting for my lips to meet his.

  BANG!

  My eyes snapped open, and both Leroy and I jumped back from each other and looked up to the sky, as the students around us cheered and clapped, watching the colourful lights shower over us. Another loud bang rang around us as more colours erupted into the sky.

  “Well, now no one is looking at us,” I whispered, letting myself be pulled into Leroy once again.

  “I wouldn’t care if they were,” Leroy said after a momentary pause, waiting for another firework to go off. “I never should have cared.”

  “What made you change so quickly?”

  “You. I realised the only times I have ever been comfortable to be myself and be true to who I was when I’m with you. The time I spent away from you, trying to prove I wasn’t…”

  Leroy paused again as more fireworks exploded in the sky, throwing more colours in the air to dance above our heads. Most of the other students around us continued to watch the sky in awe. Others were spending the moment with their boyfriends and girlfriends, enjoying it together. And I was right where I never thought I was going to be. Where I never thought I needed to be. But every second felt right.

  “Every time I looked at you, I knew I was doing the wrong thing. Because whenever I looked at you, I felt calm. And last night I was still fighting that. Because I was still holding on to the little acceptance I may have gotten from my father. But that’s gone. I don’t need it. The only thing I need… is you.”

  My heart fluttered at his words, and it was only now that I felt he wasn’t shaking anymore. That I wasn’t shaking. The sounds around us seemed to slowly be drowned out, along with the other students. Everything seemed to wash away, being replaced by the bright colours of the fireworks, still flashing above us. In my mind, it was just Leroy and me, and at this moment, that’s all I wanted.

  Feeling my head gently touch Leroy’s, I smirked. “So, are you going to ask again?”

  For a moment, Leroy stayed silent, seemingly wondering what I meant, but he soon let out a small chuckle. “Peter Stone, can I kiss you?”

  “And that’s the last time you need to ask,” I muttered, a smile still on my face.

  Slowly, I tilted my head again and closed my eyes, leaning into Leroy, my lips trembling, but in a matter of seconds, they met with Leroy’s and the trembling stopped.

  At that moment, everything was perfect. The only thing that mattered was us. It felt like nothing could break us apart, and I hoped that it never did.

  -Twenty-Seven-

  This Is Us

  My hand tingled as Leroy’s thumb grazed over the top of it, running over my knuckles—his other fingers wrapping gently around mine. It wasn’t something I was used to, considering it had only been an hour since we fucking kissed.

  It had only been an hour since everything else melted away as we stood together under the light of fireworks, and I had gotten what I had wanted for a very long time.

  Leroy.

  “So, are you guys, like, a thing now?” Andy asked, leaning across the table and in front of Blaire to look at us better.

  It hadn’t been long after Leroy and I had shared our kiss, that we’d made our way through the crowd of students to find the others. It proved to be very difficult at first as we had to avoid all the teachers, due to Leroy not being allowed there. Then we realised that this was it. We wouldn’t have to come back to high school. Screw the teachers.

  After we had found everyone—Andy, Blaire, Cooper—we all headed out to my car. Thankfully, Carly couldn’t come with us as there was no room, and we were soon at The Coffee House with Leroy and I telling the others what had happened.

  “Dude, personal space,” Blaire grunted, pushing Andy back into the corner of the booth, against the window. “Why do I have to sit in the middle? Why do you two get one side of the table all to yourselves?”

  Blaire looked over at Leroy and me, and we shrugged.

  “Well, you’re the smallest, that’s why you’re in the middle,” Leroy said a-matter-of-factly.

  “And we’re…” I started but trailed off, looking at Leroy, who turned to me and smiled.

  “Dating?” Cooper asked, resting his hands on the table in front of him, next to Blaire’s.

  “We haven’t really talked about it,” I said, and Leroy nodded at my words. “We’ve just kissed.”

  “Was there tongue?” Andy asked, and Blaire slapped his arm.

  “Andy! Inappropriate!”

  I could feel my face heat up at Andy’s words, and I could see Leroy start to blush.

  “What? If they used tongue or not is a great way to see if they’re ready to date!”

  “Really? Have you tongued Carly?” Blaire asked, and everyone turned to look at her.

  “You do realise how horrible what you just said was, right?” I asked, and Cooper and Leroy chuckled.

  “I know. I heard it straight away.”

  “For your information, I have tongued her,” Andy said before quickly adding, “like, as in kissing. Not in, like—”

  “I think you should both stop talking,” Leroy said, and they both hummed in agreement, falling silent.

  I was glad that the subject had been dropped, and I had a feeling Leroy was, too, because while, yes, there may have been tongue, they did not need to know that.

  “So… does the bag mean what I think it does?” Andy asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

  “Yeah,” Leroy said softly, and I felt his hand tighten on mine.

  “Not a problem. Mum and dad enjoy having you. He’s a very clean person,” Andy added, looking toward Cooper.

  “I mean, I didn’t ask, but thank you for that information,” Cooper said, raising his eyebrows.

  “You’re new to the overall group, so, I thought I would fill you in on personality traits.”

  Andy wasn’t wrong. This had been the first time that Cooper had been with all of my friends, and it was nice having everyone together. It would have been nice if Trent could have joined us, too, but he’d scored a date with another guy in his year who had just come out.

  I had definitely inspired some people.

  “So, Leroy is really clean and neat. Like, labels on everything and everything has a place, and it needs to be put there and kept there,” Andy continued, and Leroy’s face flushed even more.

  “What about Blaire?” Cooper asked, a little too eagerly, and I shot him a grin, and he bit his lip.

  “Blaire’s a very angry and scary lady,” Leroy chipped in. “Be careful around her.”

  “I will climb over this table and kick your ass,” Blaire threatened, and I laughed.

  “Point proven.”

  “Oh, look at you two, already working as a team,” Andy cooed, and I felt the urge to throw something at him.

  “But don’t climb over the table and kick his ass, Blaire,” I added. “Take it outside.”

  “You would just let her do that to me?” Leroy asked, turning his attention back to me, his hand still in mine. “You know she would kill me.”

  “He’s not wrong,” Blaire said with a snicker.

  “There are people around. She wouldn’t risk it,” I reassured him, looking around at the other people in the shop.

  “No, no. I’m asking if you, personally, would not jump in to help me?” Leroy questioned, his thumb no longer drawing patterns on my hand.

  “I would nurse you back to health,” I said with a caring smile.

  “I guess that’s kin
d of romantic,” Leroy muttered, and I could hear Cooper giggling.

  “Jesus Christ, just kiss again,” Andy muttered, and Leroy glared at him, but I kept my eyes on Leroy.

  Every little thing I noticed about him while I was slowly and silently falling in love with him seemed to get more noticeable now that we were together. Even if it wasn’t official. Even if it had only been an hour. Each and everything he did made me realise that there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to be with. Even the small things he did, like squint one eye slightly more than the other when he glared.

  “What is your fascination with us kissing?” I asked, dragging my eyes away from Leroy and looking at Andy.

  “Well, I haven’t seen you kiss yet. So, how do I know for sure this is real,” Andy stated, and everyone else at the table collectively rolled their eyes.

  “They kissed under the fireworks,” Blaire said, and I saw her move her hand closer to Coopers.

  “Which I did not see.”

  “I hope you never see us kiss,” Leroy said and nodded in agreement.

  “You will be living under my roof, Roy. I can revoke Peter privileges!” Andy warned, causing Leroy to gasp.

  “You wouldn’t dare!”

  “I would dare!”

  “Oh, yeah? Well, safe zone off. You’re it!”

  Leroy quickly let go of my hand and reached across the table, touching Andy’s shoulder, before jumping out of the booth and doing a weird quick walk to the door.

  Andy reacted quickly, standing up on the seat and jumping over the back of it, following Leroy, doing the same weird walk.

  “You can’t do that!” Andy called after Leroy, who was halfway out the door.

  “I just did!” Leroy yelled back before disappearing outside and into the parking lot.

  Andy was hot on his heels.

  “I swear that was, like, almost three months ago,” Blaire muttered, and I turned to look at her.

  Even with all of the space that Andy had created by leaving, Blaire and Cooper still sat side-by-side. Their hands resting on the table next to each other, almost touching.

  “Yeah, that sounds about right,” I said, looking from her to Cooper.

  “You do realise you’re dating a child?” Cooper asked with a laugh.