BEYOND SHYNESS
Page 16
Touching
• When shaking a person’s hand, notice the temperature of the hand. Then notice the temperature of your own hand.
• Hold an object in your hands, such as a cup of coffee, a brick, a tennis ball, or anything else that is available. Then put it down. Close your eyes and remember the shape, size, and texture of the object.
• Feel different objects and then, with your eyes closed, touch them again. Be aware of how the sensations change.
• Explore different textures and surfaces with your eyes first open and then closed.
Smelling and Tasting
• Be aware of the smells around you; come up with words to describe them.
• Try to remember the taste of a special meal that you enjoyed in the past. Use words to describe the flavors—not just the names of the dishes.
• Search your memory for important smells or tastes.
• Think of places with a strong tie to smell.
These sensory exercises are an excellent way to boost your awareness and increase your ability to concentrate. What is learned in the fullest way—using all five senses—is unlikely to be forgotten. As you learn concentration, you will find that you are able to be more in tune with what is going on around you in a social situation, which in turn allows you to interact more fully.
WORDS AND SELF-IMAGE
Because most interactive situations involve talking to other people, you have to train yourself to understand not only words but their context—what people mean by what they say, and how what is said fits in with the conversation at hand or the event that is taking place. One of my clients, a secretary, recalled having a boss who would often rant and rave when a customer had disappointed him. If a ringing phone stopped him mid-sentence, he would glare at her and yell, “Answer the damn thing!” The young woman would feel terrible because she thought he was mad at her.
Misinterpreting a situation because you don’t understand its context could cause great anxiety. But you can learn to pick up on the subtleties and variations of spoken words, which are altered by tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. Experience is certainly the best teacher; but the following exercise offers a chance to explore your own feelings about certain words and phrases.
What adjectives would you use to describe yourself?
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Divide them into two categories—positive and negative—to gain insight into your self-image.
POSITIVE
NEGATIVE
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Which category has more? ___________________________________________
Which words would you like to change?
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The negative words you used to describe yourself are things you can change. While I don’t recommend trying to change everything at once, I do suggest that you identify a few small items that you feel you can change for the better without undue stress. Make a list of the aspects you would like to change. Then ask yourself:
Why do I want this change?
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Who can my role model be for this change?
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Where will I start?
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Following Through
Sometimes you may find yourself unable to follow through on a plan of action. Follow-through is a crucial part of interactive success. You may start something but lose the rhythm of the task and somehow not get back to it. This is frustrating and interrupts your concentration. Anxiety sets in, and soon you will start looking for a way out. This exercise will help you explore your feelings about “what happens next.”
Look at a magazine. Find a photograph in which some action could follow. What action do you think will come next?
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Would you do the same in this situation?
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What are some other possible outcomes?
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Now watch the first five minutes of a movie or television program. What do you think will be the outcome of the story?
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When the story ends, write down why your analysis at the beginning was correct or incorrect, and explore how you got the ideas that you did.
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Next, go back to the imagery mode. Imagine these situations to follow through on: asking for a raise, asking for more responsibility at work, asking for a date, and making social plans with a friend. Picture yourself following through in each of these situations. What happens? How do you react? How do people respond to you? Write down what you envision for each situation.
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Object Objectives
We are surrounded by objects, many of which seem to shape our lives. Some of them are very familiar, and we utilize them fully.
Some may be hard to use. Some seem to have no practical value but are important in decorative or sentimental ways. As you become more aware of the objects in your life and what they mean to you, you will grow more selective in choosing them.
Which objects represent a positive emotion such as happiness or hope? Why?
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Which objects represent a negative emotion such as fear or failure? Why?
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Where do you keep them?
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Make a list of objects that you don’t need.
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Make a list of objects that you want to acquire.
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How Do You Feel?
Your emotions and feelings are a central part of your capacity to interact successfully. Without an awareness of them, you will be unable to reach your full potential in your career and social life. Recognize that your emotions and feelings are valid. Understand the emotions and feelings of others, even when you disagree with them.
Think about the positive qualities of people you interact with. How do you feel about these people? How do they make you feel about yourself?
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Anger
Over the years, I have treated hundreds of people whose anxiety and depression masked anger related to family issues, relationships, and their current situation. The frustration of limited interactive ability is certainly a cause for anger. Indeed, repressed anger is a major cause of distress, which in turn causes numerous debilitating problems, not the least of which are anxiety symptoms and depression.
Anger can be present on the surface, as I’ve seen with clients who are belligerent, resistant to treatment, or just plain defensive. Or it can lie closer to the core, taking shape as blame. (Some of my clients have been so angry with their parents that they blamed them for their social misfortunes. This allowed them—for a while—to avoid taking responsibility for their own unhappiness.) To get in touch with your anger, consider the following questions:
Are you aware of anger in your life?
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On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your average level of anger? ________________
On a scale of 1 to 10, how angry do you get at your peak? ________________
What are you most angry about?
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Toward whom do you feel the most anger?
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What situation are you most angry about?
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Do you believe the anger is resolvable? Can you let it go?
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What is an objective and responsible way to handle your anger?
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In order to nurture or take care of yourself, how will you express the anger?
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YOUR SELF-IMAGE AND SELF-ESTEEM
As you have worked through the exercises in this chapter, you have begun to get a clearer picture of who you are and what you are about. Your awareness is increasing. Now, let’s take a look at the “whole self.”
The Imaginary Mirror
Imagine a mirror that reveals your true self. How will this self be seen by those who are important to you (your parents, siblings, friends, teachers, colleagues)?
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How big a difference is there between what others see and who you really are?
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What can you do to narrow this gap?
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Where will you start?
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What will you gain from this change?
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Who c
an be your real mirror? Who could you ask to give you feedback?
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The Real Mirror
There are two parts to this exercise:
1. Find a full-length mirror. Fully clothed, stand in front of it for at least a minute. Look at yourself. How do you feel? How do you look? What qualities do you like? What qualities don’t you like?
2. When you are really comfortable (give yourself time), repeat the exercise again, unclothed. Again, assess how you look and feel. Which parts of your body do you like? Which parts would you like to change? Change is possible: weight, hair style, beard growth, makeup, and so on.
ROLE PLAYING
Most of us play several roles in our daily lives. We might play the role of an employee, a spouse, a lover, a teacher or student, a son or daughter, a sibling, and so forth. Each of these roles requires a different outlook and a different way of responding. Putting yourself in the shoes of different people within your various relationships will help you to reduce your inhibitions and explore the attitudes and feelings of others. And practice makes perfect—role playing is helpful as preparation for real situations.
The following role-playing exercises are structured to help you experience many situations in which you can explore other people’s perspectives. Do not try to do all these exercises at once. Rather, concentrate fully on each—one at a time. Try out every role in every situation. Note that the main elements in building a character are physical presence, age, sex, clothing, general attitude, experience, temperament, and personal beliefs.
Replay each situation again and again until you feel confident. If you are comfortable doing so, you might ask someone close to you to participate by playing one of the roles opposite you. One important tip: Don’t simply describe the scenario. Act it out as though it is a real-life situation. Don’t plan in advance what you will say or how you will act. Just go with the flow of the conversation.