BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  NOTE: In the Father/Child and Mother/Child scenarios, I am drawing on my clinical experience with sufferers from social anxiety, who often reveal a pattern of home life that includes the traditional roles of the father as distant and controlling, and the mother as more accessible and controllable.

  1. Father/Child—Experience the roles of both father and child:

  • The father does not accept the child’s staying out late. The child tries to persuade him.

  • The child wants to buy a car, and gives her father reasons why and a financial plan.

  • The child tells the father about a new love interest. The father does not approve. They argue.

  2. Mother/Child—Experience both of these roles:

  • The mother is asking for help. The child doesn’t have time.

  • The child is asking for money. Mom agrees/disagrees.

  • The child tells the mother a secret. She is surprised and angry/she understands and gives advice.

  • The child is angry at the mother. The mother doesn’t accept the anger.

  Repeat this exercise until you feel that your way of expressing yourself is clear to the other person. Make sure that you are not hiding your real feelings, but also make sure that you are not coming on stronger than you naturally would wish to.

  3. Teacher/Student—Experience the roles of both teacher and student:

  • The student disagrees with the teacher’s grading and explains why.

  • The student is punished by the teacher and says how he or she feels.

  • The student doesn’t understand the lesson and asks for help.

  Now, use role playing to envision the following situations:

  4. The Job Interview—Try playing both the interviewer and the applicant for the following positions:

  • Management position. How do you introduce yourself? What first impression does each person make?

  • Office worker. What is the organization looking for in an employee? Why is this person the best candidate for the job?

  Come up with a list of jobs that would interest you. Act these interviews out as well.

  5. The workplace—Try playing both the supervisor and the employee.

  • You need to ask for more time on a project. You go to the supervisor to discuss it.

  • You have to delegate work to someone else. The person doesn’t want to do it. You negotiate a compromise.

  6. Dating—For people with social anxiety problems, dating can be difficult (even relatively confident people can have trouble sometimes!). You may fear being rejected. You may think the other person is better than you are. In short, you may enter the situation with social fear and low self-esteem. Let’s use role playing to improve your interactive skills in this area:

  • Introduce yourself to a new person. What are the qualities you wish to convey to this person?

  • You are talking on the phone. Tell the other person about yourself.

  • Ask someone out. You’ve seen this person before, now you’d like to take it one step further. Give some hints to determine whether there is any interest. What will you say?

  • Sometimes, we have different feelings, views, and needs from our friends. We have to be able to say so and yet still maintain the friendship. Act out a scene with a friend where you are angry or sad. Try to make sure your friend won’t be hurt or angry but, rather, understanding and sympathetic.

  After you’ve completed these role-playing exercises, write down your thoughts and feelings. If possible, discuss your experiences with other people (if you are role-playing with a partner, discuss it with him or her). Emphasize the characteristics of the people whose conflicts you acted out, and identify the major factors governing each situation. After further consideration, you may choose to replay the situation with more emphasis on the characters, language, feelings, or some other aspect of the exchange.

  Mastering the self-awareness techniques in this chapter has added to your understanding of your interactive identity—who you are and how you relate to other people. In the next chapter, you will combine stress management and self-awareness with social skills strategies and so prepare to increase your interactive ability and further enhance your social system.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  “Hello. My Name Is…”: Mastering Social Skills

  Why is one person comfortable meeting new people and capable of interacting easily, while another finds the process painful and difficult and avoids it to varying degrees? Usually, the answer lies in how much social success the person has experienced in the past. If you are uncomfortable with the social process, it is likely that your social skills are in need of improvement. In Chapter 6, you learned some new ways to manage stress. Controlling your anxiety is essential to developing or refining good social skills. Simply put, if you are anxious, you are probably more focused on your own anxiety than on the person or people you are talking to. By improving your social skills, you will gain the following rewards:

  • more effective interaction

  • improved self-esteem and self-confidence

  • a lessening social anxiety level

  • improved image in the perception of others

  • increased ability to negotiate

  • more potential for closeness or intimacy in relationships

  • a larger number of relationships

  When we say social skills, we mean the techniques involved in approaching and speaking to others for the purpose of interaction—how you stand, and how close, what kind of eye contact you make, what types of things you talk about. This is not a question of which fork to use or when and whether your elbows can be on the table. Good manners are important, but here we are not talking about matters of etiquette; if you would like to perfect your social manners, consult your library or bookstore for books on that subject. If “knowing the rules” gives you confidence, then so much the better. As the legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi used to say, you have to know your fundamentals to play a good game. Studying the finer points of good interaction will help you to perfect your ability. Consider this chapter as your basic playbook, and adapt the concepts and techniques to your specific interactive needs.

  The most basic concept to learn is that of interactive chemistry— the positive exchange of energy in which you yourself feel comfortable and others are at ease with you. Interaction should not be hard work. A good balance of interactive chemistry requires managing your anxiety, feeling confident, and using appropriate social skills. When you have developed a repertoire of strategies that allows you to achieve this balance, you can enter the game of interacting with the confidence that you’ve got the fundamentals down cold. The rest is just refinement.

  What does it take to develop good interactive skills? You must perfect the ability to process information—take it in, store it, and retrieve it—as you interact. A recent report in the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy shows that “socially anxious individuals engage in self-focused thinking which may impair their ability to process social information.” The more attention you pay to yourself, the less attention you are paying to others, and the less approachable you will seem. In working out a stress management strategy that you can take with you to interactive situations, you are taking a major step toward interactive success. Once you realize you can count on your “Adult”—the objective, computerlike part of your personality—to identify stressors and take steps to desensitize you to them, you can begin to feel more confident socially.

  Two of my clients, Phil and Evelyn, are typical examples of how patterns of behavior have particular social consequences. Although both had had social difficulties and experienced loneliness in the past, they managed to make significant progress. By learning to handle their social anxiety, they brought their fear under control to the point of being able to interact successfully. But without the necessary social skills, each found it difficult to make a smooth transition from failure to success.

  Feeling mutually understood is
what makes any kind of interaction successful. When that certain something “just clicks,” both parties feel at ease and the relationship can progress further. Being able to read other people is an essential part of good chemistry. And no matter what your initial hopes or expectations may be, being able to adapt them based on the new information each interaction gives you will make you feel comfortable and in control. If, for example, you spend time with a member of the opposite sex, hoping the relationship will turn to romance, you should feel that the experience is valuable even if your hopes are not met. Adaptability to change in the initial stages of interaction will make for a healthier, more fulfilling interactive life all around.

  Phil had not mastered the finer points of interactive chemistry. In fact, he had been socially anxious—and lonely—for most of his life. By his early twenties, though, he had worked through some of his anxiety and had just started to acquire the social skills that his peers possessed and took for granted. Phil had made several male friends but felt intimidated by women, although he longed for female companionship.

  One of Phil’s new friends invited him to a dinner party, where he met a woman he became interested in. They began talking, and Phil felt as though they had a lot in common. After a short conversation alone on the patio, Phil invited her out on a date. She accepted.

  On the following Saturday evening, Phil picked Carol up and took her to a local restaurant, then to a movie. The evening started out well enough, but somehow conversation became a bit tedious and forced midway through dinner. Carol fidgeted and looked distracted. For his part, Phil could vaguely sense that the chemistry wasn’t right but he resolved to try even harder and found himself saying just about anything to fill the awkward silences. When Carol moved away, he edged a little closer.

  The movie was a little easier—sitting in the dark, without the pressure of conversation, Phil could maintain the illusion that the date was going fine. But afterward, as they approached Carol’s house, Phil was faced with reality once again. Still determined to impose “success” on the evening, which he had hoped would be the beginning of a romantic relationship, he asked, “Can I see you again?” “I don’t know,” she answered, without much enthusiasm. “Call me.”

  At this point, Phil’s instincts were telling him that Carol wasn’t interested, but he pressed on, clinging to the image he had had in his mind since he first met her. “Can I have a goodnight kiss?” For Carol, that was the last straw. “I don’t think so,” she said, and bolted into the house.

  When Phil called Carol the next day, he got her answering machine. And so it went all week long. Carol never returned his calls.

  Phil had not done anything terribly offensive. But his inability to read the situation properly created some awkward moments for both him and his date and ultimately caused a more obvious and disappointing rejection than was necessary. Even without a hint of romance, the possibility for friendship was there until Phil forced the issue. It’s true Phil was polite—devising the makings of an enjoyable evening, letting Carol know he liked her company, inquiring whether he could see her again, asking to kiss her—but he allowed his expectations to limit his success. If Phil had responded according to the chemistry that developed, he might have gained a friendship of a different kind; while a romance didn’t develop, the chance to add to his social contacts by getting to know Carol and her friends might have led to some satisfying relationships of whatever kind.

  Evelyn was married to Emile, a French doctor who had recently moved to the United States. Together, they enjoyed a very comfortable lifestyle. Emile seemed unaware of Evelyn’s bull-in-a-chinashop personality, and in fact, appeared to admire what he called her “American spirit.”

  But Evelyn was restless and unhappy. Despite her new social status, she was no more accepted—had no more friends—than when she was single. To outsiders, Evelyn appeared extremely confident. She spoke out on any topic and had no fear of expressing her opinions. The problem was that she didn’t know when to stop. She could not read the chemistry between her and others. Instead, she would ramble on without giving other people a chance to speak. She was entirely too focused on her own performance even to notice how others were responding to her. Because she wanted so much to be entertaining, she neglected to offer conversational openings for her guests. Interaction is a two-way street, and the best chemistry allows people on both sides to contribute to a conversation. After a social engagement, Evelyn would remember herself as having been vivacious and entertaining and had no idea why she couldn’t seem to establish any friendships. She simply couldn’t perceive chemistry correctly.

  Evelyn’s boorish behavior masked a lack of confidence. Because she was poor at interaction, she tried extra hard—too hard—to be the life of the party and focused entirely on herself. Despite her anxiety, she wanted to be thought of as an excellent conversationalist and believed that her bold speaking style would create that image. Again, however, the inability to read others’ reactions caused social failure.

  Conversation doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, conversation is natural when you are prepared to talk and when you seek out someone who is likely to be open to talking to you. This chapter outlines the basic building blocks of interaction and will help you to work on the specific skills related to it. As you begin to develop these skills, you will start to experience the interactive success you hope to achieve. Remember, these are practical skills, and there is a wide range of ability even with those who experience social anxiety. Whatever your comfort or ability level, start slowly. A safe and comfortable way to begin is to allow one small social success (perhaps a quick verbal exchange with a stranger in a store, for example) to lead to greater accomplishments later (a plan to meet with a new friend, for instance, or a weekend date).

  SOCIAL SKILLS AT PLAY

  In order to put social skills into perspective, let’s look at the way that children learn to socialize. The so-called normal child acquires social skills through free play. Parents should encourage a child to play with other children of a similar age both at school and at home. At first, children may play next to each other independently, but eventually they will engage in cooperative play, and the child learns what it means to be a friend: the give-and-take process of healthy socialization. And while this is a learning process, it is, first and foremost, fun for the children. Fun is the primary motivator, and continues to be throughout life. The reason people get together to socialize is to have fun and enjoy life.

  Many of the adults I’ve worked with recall their childhood years as socially difficult. Their experiences with other children were not generally fun. Without the positive reinforcement gained from enjoying the company of other children, the developmental process of socialization becomes thwarted, and the result can be a socially anxious adult who lacks the skills and confidence necessary to seek out and enjoy the company of his or her peers. If this recollection is familiar to you, you may want to make a conscious decision to bring some fun and playfulness into your interaction with others. Earl, for example, had to do exactly that. When I first met him, a few years ago, he was forty-two, and trying to get back into the dating scene after a ten-year hiatus. As with Evelyn, his was a case of trying too hard. Earl was extremely particular, ruling out most potential dates before he had even spent time with them. When he did go out, it was for an extremely noncommittal cup of coffee at a local diner. If the woman in question passed this initial “test,” he would invite her out again. But those first dates usually went badly. The women seemed to feel they were being interviewed. The interactive chemistry was terrible! Eventually, Earl learned to have fun on first dates—to choose a light activity that would be enjoyable whether the time spent resulted in romance or not. He lowered his expectations and increased his rewards.

  So, try to have fun when you socialize. Think of it as an adventure. The results you get depend on the frame of mind you have going into it. In other words, if you tell yourself that making friends is hard work, you may actuall
y make it more difficult. But if you tell yourself that interacting is fun, you will seem friendlier and will probably enjoy more success. Use internal coaching to reinforce this idea in your mind. Tell yourself: “I am going to this party to have fun, and I will enjoy myself.”

  Right now, do a mental imagery exercise that lets you picture yourself as a social success:

  Sit back, take a deep breath, and make yourself comfortable. Use the TV screen in your mind to picture yourself at ease in a social situation. Develop this picture clearly and use your natural senses as you have done previously. Incorporate some playfulness in how you respond to others. You are enjoying yourself. What do you look like? Others are having fun with you. How do they respond to you? As the conversation proceeds, take a risk—changing the subject, expressing an opinion, or inviting someone to do something. How does it feel? How do others respond?

  As you emerge from this imagined interaction, what thoughts and feelings do you have about playfulness as an interactive skill? Write them down:

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  MAKING FRIENDS VS. HAVING ACQUAINTANCES

  Many people make the mistake of confusing acquaintances with friends. I recently began treating a seventeen-year-old boy whose mother was concerned because he spent all his free time in his room playing video games or watching television. “Dean doesn’t have a friend in the world,” she told me. But when I asked Dean himself about his social life, he said he did have friends. How many? “Oh, six or seven,” he answered. When I questioned him further, however, it became clear that, like so many socially anxious people, he confused acquaintances—his biology lab partner, his gym squad, the kids he occasionally sat with at lunch—with friends. As we discussed in Chapter 2, we may have many acquaintances—people we know slightly, whom we know by name, say hello to, may work or go to school with. But an acquaintance is not someone we spend free time with on a frequent basis. The distinction is important, because it affects the quality of the interaction.