Where She Was Loved

by Sarah Tomlinson

  "Hi, John," my tone conveyed my slight nervousness as I gave a small wave.

  "Glad to have you onboard. Meet Herman," he nodded to the cute little fluff ball in his arms.

  "Hey, Herman," I greeted, reaching forward to scratch him behind the ears. The cat let out a purr before it began squirming in John's grip.

  "He's the store's book cat," he explained. He placed Herman on the ground and the cat ran off into the maze of shelves. "Let me show you the ropes and then get you started doing some shelving."

  "Okay, sounds great" I replied eagerly.

  I had really loved working at the grocery in Nevada, but I was ecstatic to be working in the bookstore. Books were my passion in life–a connection to my friends when I was far away from them and my comfort during the hard times. It was the only kind of schooling I had ever had. They also provided me with an escape from my own life. They helped me to dream of other possibilities. And the bookstore… well, it felt like I belonged, like this was what I was meant to be doing.

  Some hours later and well into getting the layout of the store down, I started shelving the advance copies of new fiction when Graham entered through the shop door.

  "Congratulations on your new job, Ashley," he smiled as he walked on over to me.

  "Thank you," I gave him a small grin as I continued to place the books away.

  "How is your first day going?" he asked.

  "Really well so far. I think this is a job made in heaven," I enthusiastically responded.

  "Well, that’s wonderful to hear," he said, lacing his fingers together, as though he was thinking. "I know it's probably not the best place to talk about things, but I need to discuss Eric with you."

  "Oh?" I stopped what I was doing and turned to face him fully.

  "He's heading to Vietnam now, after Peru. It wasn't planned; he was supposed to come home. I think if he knew you were here, well… that would change things. I can't keep your return a secret from him sweetheart. It's lying by omission, Ashley, and it's going to hurt him if he finds out you are here and he went on to Vietnam. He really spiraled out of control when you didn't return the summer after you left."

  My heart clenched as if it might stop beating. I hated to pain anyone, but Eric most of all. I couldn't explain why, but I still didn't feel ready to see him. I didn't feel as if I had grown any since I last saw him, and that pained me. I also didn't want to find out that he had moved on, and what we had, wound up just being a summer fling for him. I needed the denial a little longer. And I didn't want to be the reason he gave up his travels.

  "Please, Graham," I begged. "You cannot tell him, not yet. Let him do his volunteer work. It obviously makes him happy and he wouldn't extend his trip if he didn't love it, right?"

  The corners of his eyes crinkled before he nodded. "Okay, Ashley, but I'm not happy about this," he stated as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "He cares about you."

  Of course, he still cared; we were friends that summer after all. Well, maybe a little more—no, a lot more. Still, we were teenagers, young and just finding our feet in the world.

  Surely, Eric moved on. He was handsome and, from his stories, had a wild side. Had there been other girls since me? Yes, there had been, like the girl I saw hanging all over him in Memphis. Of course, how could I forget her? Besides, who would spend the last six years pining over a person they spent one summer with? Me… that's who.

  I changed the subject before Graham started questioning my silence. "Can I help you find something?"

  "Oh, I'm just browsing," he replied, strolling off with his hands in his pockets. I knew he was disappointed in me as he walked away and I felt bad about it. He just didn't understand. I just needed a little more time.

  I returned home at the end of the day, my first day of work keeping me on a high. As I neared the B&B, I spotted Aiden waiting for me. He was sitting on the porch in his cover-alls with a bouquet of wild flowers in one hand. When he saw me approaching, he got up and held the flowers out to me.

  I smiled at the sweet gesture as I walked towards him and gratefully took them from his hand. "Thank you, they're beautiful," I said clutching them to my chest.

  "How did your first day of work go?" he asked.

  "Wonderfully," I grinned. "Actually, the day was perfect and I think I may have adopted Herman. He is the sweetest cat."

  "That's great, Ash. Ah, could I possibly take you out for dinner, maybe?" he raised a brow, unsure as to what my response would be.

  "Sure," I replied, shrugging my shoulders, "when?"

  "Now."

  "Um… okay." I was surprised he wanted to do it so soon. I mean, we just had dinner together at his sister's last night. He did say dinner, not date right? I questioned myself.

  "Sorry I'm not dressed up. I should have—"

  "It's all right. I'm not either, so we will look underdressed together,” he replied, pointing at his navy blue t-shirt with small splatters of grease all over the material.

  "I should have changed after work, but I just wanted to be here when you got back is all. Plus, you look beautiful in everything." He cleared his throat as a blush crept up his neck.

  I smiled at his sweetness. Why had I never noticed it before? No, I had. Growing up Aiden was always so kind and gentle towards me.

  He reached out, taking my hand and entwining his fingers with mine. I didn't know what to make of it. The first time someone entangled his fingers with mine was years ago…Eric. I quickly shook my head to dissipate the thought. And ever so kindly, I removed my hand from his, making it look as if I was just tucking a strand of hair back behind my ear. He didn't try to take it again and for that I was relieved.

  We entered the local diner, which served the Kitchen Sink Burger–essentially everything in terms of toppings, but "the kitchen sink."

  "So, why did you never call?" he asked after we had both ordered one of the famous burgers, along with fries and cokes.

  "I never really had the opportunity," I sighed, playing with the corner of the menu on the table in front of me. "My father was adamant I was not to have any contact with anyone in Ligonier. We continued to move around until about a year ago, just after he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. There were so many times I wanted to leave but… he needed care. Stupidly, I stayed to support him," I admitted.

  "Rough. We would have come to get you, you know that right?” He reached across the table, taking my hand again.

  "Sometimes, when you're in a bad situation, you don't always know when to get out," I said quietly, to him or myself, I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince.

  I had been asking myself of late whether I had remained with my father because of his threats or because of plain idiocy. But I knew it was more than that. It was fear–fear of my father, fear for my friends, and most of all, fear of the unknown, of being alone. I had no idea if coming back would have brought acceptance by the ones I loved, especially after such a long time away.

  It was all too easy for people to tell an abused person to leave his or her situation, but after living with it for so long, it becomes all you know. A part of you fights for survival, for the hope the other person will change, yet another part of you feels defeated, as if you'll never be good enough for anything or anyone else. It's a tragic, but true statement. At least that's how I felt.

  I buried my sad thoughts and placed a smile on my face.

  "Well, it doesn't matter now because I'm back and I have no plans of ever leaving again," I reassured him.

  "No way. Besides, just try to leave and Meg will hog-tie you this time!" he laughed and I laughed right along with him.

  Aiden was that kind of person. The one who could turn a sad situation into a moment filled with laughter. And the longer we sat there talking, eating and laughing, the more I relaxed. Then before long I found myself not wanting the night to end.

  Chapter Twenty

  Ashley

  Dinner had been thoroughly enjoyable and Aiden, well he had me laughing the entire
time. I often found myself, no matter how hard I tried not to, thinking about the fact I had kissed him. I should have been mortified over the thought. We were friends, but I found myself… unashamed?

  Being the gentleman he was, Aiden paid the bill before he so kindly escorted me back to Ava's. I was unsure as to whether he thought we might kiss again after my last spontaneous performance and I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to kiss him again. My stomach was in knots over the thought. Did I even really see him as potentially being more than a friend? I just didn't know.

  But, as I should have known, Aiden was patient and cautious, leaving the next move up to me. I was thankful for that, and without feeling any pressure, I settled for giving him a quick hug. I didn't know what else to do, and the situation had turned a little awkward once again. Everything had been fine up until that last moment of the night. I hoped it wouldn't always be that way. So with a quick goodnight, I ran round back of the B&B and out of his line of sight.

  I entered the house and climbed the stairs to my bedroom. After I got changed into my pajamas and right before I was about to jump into bed, there was a knock at my door.

  "Come in," I called.

  Ava opened the door and popped her head in. Her dark chocolate-colored hair was in rollers signifying she, too, was preparing for bed. She often made me smile. There was an old school charm to her, I mean until I moved in here, I didn't even know people still wore rollers to bed! Well, apparently they do.

  "Hey, sweetie, just seeing how your day went," she chirped, as she walked towards my bed and took a seat on the edge.

  "Oh, Ava, it was amazing. A dream come true really," I grinned.

  "That's wonderful! And how did tonight go?" she raised an eyebrow, obviously knowing I had been out with Aiden. I guessed she must have spoken to him while he sat on the front steps earlier, waiting for me.

  "Tonight was nice. Aiden's a really sweet guy. Best kind of friend you could ever ask for."

  "So, he's just a friend, huh?"

  "Hah, yes, at this point that's exactly what he is," I laughed. My mind was still unsure about how I viewed him, viewed us. But when it came to Ava, I had never had someone so protective and nosey to pry into my life before– I didn't want to tell her, but I secretly loved it. Whether that was normal or not, I neither knew nor cared. To have people who worried about me and asked about my day was magical.

  "Well, sweetheart, I'm glad you're settling in well here. I'll let you get to sleep," she smiled and rose to leave.

  As she began to close the door, I called after her. "Wait, Ava?"

  "Yes?" she turned back to look at me.

  "You mentioned you knew my mother this morning. How?" She hesitated for a moment before answering.

  "Well, we go a long way back, Ashley. I… can I talk to you about this tomorrow or in a few days? I know you want answers, but your mama is a hard topic for me," she said sounding dejected.

  Why did she seem so nervous about talking about my mother?

  "Of course. Can I ask you just one question?" I had to know; it was the one thing that plagued me for years. "Did my mother love me?"

  Ava looked at me as if her heart just broke. Bringing her hand to her chest and swallowing the lump stuck in her throat, she answered, "More than you will ever know. You were her world, Ashley. I promise you that much." Then without so much as another word, she closed the door and disappeared.

  Ava would never lie to me, I was sure of it; a single tear fell from my eye and I swiped it away. I knew my father was lying when he repeatedly told me that my mother left because she didn't want me. Now I knew my mother had loved me. But why did she leave? Or had something else happened?

  I longed for the answers, but they would have to wait. I had lived my life thus far without the knowledge; a few more days wouldn't hurt.

  Well, I had officially been employed for an entire week at the bookstore and things just couldn't be better. For the first time since I could remember, I had a spirited bounce in my step. When I got out of bed each morning, thousands of possibilities flooded my mind; I could save my money to travel abroad or buy my very own car. Best of all, I could study. I had no idea how to go about it, but it was something I had always dreamed of doing.

  I remembered the twins always complaining about all the homework and tests they had to do each school year; I was always so jealous and longed for something to push me, to learn all I could about life.

  In the past week, John taught me the basic computer skills I needed to catalogue books, ring up purchases, and check stock. It was foreign to me, but my brain was like a sponge soaking up all the new information with enthusiasm. I just couldn't get enough!

  The bell above the bookstore door rang and I looked up from the register with a smile spread across my face as I welcomed the new customer.

  He was a tall man in his late forties with a crew cut and day old growth on his face. He had a stocky build and resembled someone I knew I would never mess with if I could help it.

  As he approached the counter, I stood up straighter, still grinning, and greeted, "Good afternoon, can I help you with something?"

  "You Ashley?" he gruffly asked.

  A small panic built up inside of me and I swallowed. "Yes, I am. How can I help you?" I remained polite.

  "Hmm, I can see why he took so long to get over you. You're a pretty girl."

  "Ahh, okay. I'm sorry, I don't know who you are talking about. I'm new in town so you must have the wrong girl," I replied.

  "Nope you're her. I'm Alec Foster, Eric's father," he introduced.

  I didn't know what to say. I never expected to meet Eric's dad, not here anyway. The most I knew about him was from what Eric had told me, which wasn't a whole lot. I knew he lived in Memphis and was once a part of a motorcycle club. Plus, he lost his wife to cancer and owned a garage, but that was as far as my knowledge about him went.

  "Hi, Alec, it's nice to meet you." I held out a hand courageously, though secretly I was shaking in my boots. After a minute of not taking it, I dropped my hand down to the counter as he continued to examine me. He didn't look cross, but rather curious, as if he was internally taking notes on my behavior and attempting to figure who I was, or what he wanted to say.

  "Look, I don't know you. Well, apart from what I've heard from Eric and Graham. You seem like a nice woman, but here's the thing–after my son returned to Memphis a few years back, after you ran off, he was a messed-up young man. Took him a long while to get his head sorted out."

  "I'm sorry, truly. I would never hurt Er—"

  "Listen, I'm not saying it's your fault. But he's happy now, doing things and going places I never thought possible. I don't want you screwing that up."

  I was speechless. I should have been angry, hurt, ashamed, even upset at the nerve of this stranger waltzing in and laying down the law. However, I didn't feel one of those emotions.

  As I looked up into Alec Foster's face, I recognized how much love Eric's father possessed for his son. Whether he was right or not, he was trying the only way he knew to protect his son's heart. I had respect for the immense man. I never wanted to hurt Eric; however, I still held hope after six years there would be an inkling of a chance. But as I looked at the pleading eyes of his father, begging me to stay away, I knew for sure that I needed to let him go, say goodbye to any hope I had and let him be.

  "I understand, sir. What would you like me to do? I could leave?" I suggested.

  Alec laughed a deep, belly laugh. "Wow, I didn't expect my little speech to go so well. You really are one-of-a-kind, aren't you?" he replied with an amused tone.

  "Yep, there's only one of me. No twin that I know of," I managed to give him a small smile. My heart wanted to break as I extinguished the flame that had burned so long for his son.

  "No, Ashley, I don't expect you to leave. Just, my son will be back in six months. I was the one that convinced him to take the Vietnam position. When he comes home, just let him be. Act like you're not interested. He's mo
ved on and I don't want to see him fall into that dark place again. You live your life and let him live his, okay?"

  I nodded. "Okay. It was nice to meet you, Alec." I knew I couldn't keep up the strong smile much longer, but I also wouldn't allow myself to cry in front of him.

  "Surprisingly, it was nice to meet you also, to put a face to the name and what not. See you around, Ashley." He tapped the counter twice before turning and making a swift exit out the door.

  The moment he left, I slid to the floor behind the counter and let the tears fall as I finally let go of the one thing that had held my heart together for so long. More than any other person I knew, it was Eric that kept it beating. I finally snuffed out the flame for good, and it burned me to the core.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ashley - Christmas Day 2016

  "Are you sure we have enough?" I asked Ava nervously as we stepped out the front door, our hands loaded with containers of food.

  "We have more than enough sweetie and don't forget, Mrs. Brooks probably spent the entire day cooking up a storm. I'm pretty sure Christmas dinner will have more food than we can possibly eat."

  We had spent all day in the kitchen in preparation for tonight. I made salads, Ava baked desserts, and Sharon decorated cookies. I always thought that people did the whole Christmas thing in the morning—unwrapping presents around the tree and making breakfast together. Seemed I was wrong, as they all waited until after dinner to exchange gifts in Ligonier.

  This year we were asked to celebrate all together at Graham's home and I was so excited to spend my first holiday season with people that not only celebrated it, but enjoyed the gathering.

  It had been six months since I had returned to Ligonier and I had changed so much in such a short amount of time. I had enrolled in online classes to complete my high school certificate. I was determined to do well and Graham had been a God sent, devoting his evenings to me as a teacher and in return, I helped out on Wednesdays at the church handing out care packages to those that needed them, cleaning the pews, and anything else that needed to be done. I also asked God into my life, and was finally baptised just a month ago. I knew I was far from perfect, and knew next to nothing, but Graham reminded me often that we aren’t called to be perfect, that’s why Jesus went to the cross for us. So, I just accepted I would always be a work in progress, and the one thing I prayed for every night was that the Lord would heal me from my past. To take the pain of the memories away, so I could one day use my experiences as a testimony without the hurt attached. I knew He would answer, maybe just not as fast as I had hoped.