The Women's Circle

by Karyn Sepulveda

  ANNA STUMBLED DOWN the side path to her granny flat, aware that her feet weren’t fully cooperating. It took extreme concentration to place her footsteps, yet she was still tripping, pushing herself from the fence and trying again. When she fell to the ground, scraping her bare knees and palms, Anna decided to give up and curled her body into a ball on the concrete, closing her eyes.

  ‘Get up, get up, Anna.’ A shrill voice roused Anna from her sleep. Her body ached and she tasted blood.

  ‘Disgusting, look at this. Sonja, she has to leave. Today!’ Anna opened her eyes, the bright sunlight causing her to squint as she looked up at Miguel standing over her, his arms gesturing in rage as he spoke. Sonja was standing next to him, trying to touch his shoulder, to quieten him.

  ‘No! No excuses, she’s gone. I told you months ago this is where she was heading. Look at her, a drug addict. Living with us.’ Revulsion dripped from Miguel’s words and Anna felt like disappearing. She managed to stand up, wincing in pain.

  ‘Pack your things and leave. Today!’ Miguel spat, storming back to the house. Sonja remained, regret clear in her face. Anna tried to speak, but her mouth felt swollen. She touched her lip, feeling the dried blood, but she had no recollection of how she’d hurt herself. She pulled at her top and skirt, adjusting her clothes so they sat correctly, and ran her fingers through her hair. She stood a little taller, despite the pain in her back.

  ‘What have you done to yourself, Anna?’ Sonja said, her voice thick with disappointment.

  Anna tried to smile. ‘I’m fine,’ she croaked. She coughed and tried again. ‘I just had a big night. You forget what it’s like to be young, Sonja.’ Anna tried to laugh. ‘It won’t happen again.’ Anna was sure Sonja could talk Miguel out of throwing her out. She’d done it before.

  ‘Not here it won’t. I’m sorry Anna, but you need to leave. We can’t have,’ Sonja gestured to Anna, ‘in our home.’

  ‘Sonja, please. I shouldn’t have slept out here, I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I won’t be any more trouble, I promise.’

  But Sonja shook her head with resolve. ‘No more excuses. Anna, you woke up half the street coming home last night. Your shouting and crashing about.’

  Anna snorted. Sonja was exaggerating; Anna would never have made so much noise.

  ‘And …’ Sonja tried to find the words. ‘Miguel’s watch is missing. I bought it for him for his birthday. He takes such good care of it, and he always leaves it beside the bed when he’s not wearing it. And now it’s gone.’

  Anna felt like Sonja had slapped her. ‘You think I stole from you?’

  Sonja wouldn’t meet Anna’s gaze. ‘Someone did.’

  ‘Fine. I’ll move out.’ Anna charged past Sonja towards the granny flat to pack. She could hear Sonja’s footsteps behind her. Anna ignored her, grabbing a garbage bag and shoving her clothes and few other belongings inside.

  ‘I’m not saying it was you, I know your heart is good. I know you wouldn’t steal from us. But Anna – stop and look at me!’ The sharpness in Sonja’s voice forced Anna to turn. ‘It’s him. It’s Jake. He has changed you, made you forget everything that is important. And it was him, I’m sure of it, who stole from Miguel.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Please, Anna, don’t throw away your life for this loser. If you break up with him, clean yourself up, maybe I can talk Miguel into giving you one more chance.’

  ‘Forget it. I don’t want another chance. I love Jake and I’m not throwing him away so I can stay in this shithole.’ The hurt in Sonja’s eyes was piercing. But Anna forced herself to look away and continued packing her things. After a moment, Sonja left without another word.

  Jake laughed when Anna told him about Sonja and Miguel’s accusation.

  ‘As if I’d steal anything from those oldies,’ he said when he met Anna at the train station that afternoon. He took the two garbage bags of her things from her, carrying them as they walked around the city. Jake had been staying with her most nights and Anna realised she didn’t know where he slept when he wasn’t with her.

  ‘Where will we go?’ Anna asked when they’d been walking aimlessly for over an hour, the first embers of panic igniting in her chest. Jake shrugged.

  ‘Not sure yet, but we’ll find somewhere.’ The realisation that Jake was basically homeless hit Anna like a brick to the head. How could she have taken her home for granted like that? She’d lived practically rent-free with them for years, paying only a small sum each month and having to almost force Sonja to accept it. Her guilt at taking advantage of Sonja and Miguel’s kindness weighed on her shoulders, making her pointless steps harder to take. When Jake realised that she was slowing down, he turned around.

  ‘What’s up, you want to take a break?’

  ‘I want to go home,’ Anna said, while knowing that she didn’t have one. She hadn’t had a home in a long time.

  Jake laughed. ‘You sound like a little kid. Come on, I’ve thought of something.’ Jake grinned at Anna and nudged her with his arm, still carrying Anna’s belongings. ‘It’s all right, come on little one, we’ll get you home.’ Jake’s humour made Anna feel even more worried. He didn’t seem at all concerned that everything Anna owned was in two garbage bags. She had no job, barely any money left and no more study. What the hell was she doing? Her fears grew as she followed Jake for another half an hour until they arrived at a construction site. He grinned, held her bags up high and announced, ‘Honey, we’re home!’

  Anna looked from the barbed wire fence surrounding the half-built home to Jake, waiting for him to laugh and tell her he was joking.

  ‘Come on, it’s better inside than it looks.’ Jake led her around the side of the property, where the gates didn’t quite meet, leaving a gaping hole. He threw her bags over and slipped through.

  ‘You’re serious?’ Anna asked, no longer able to hold back her tears. She was homeless. Her boyfriend was homeless. She had nothing. But Jake continued to laugh.

  ‘Just come in; trust me, it’s not that bad.’ He tilted his head, twisted his grin and batted his eyelids. ‘Please?’ With no other choice, Anna slipped through the gap in the fence to join him. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly as he rested his chin on her head. Anna leaned her ear against his chest, listened to his familiar heartbeat. ‘I promise I’ll take care of you. Everything’s going to be all right.’ He leaned back and lifted her chin with his finger so she was looking up at him. ‘Do you believe me?’

  Anna didn’t, but she nodded, knowing he was trying his best to comfort her.

  That night, as she lay in a dark, cold room on an old lumpy mattress, Anna couldn’t stop crying. Jake had already fallen asleep and was snoring softly next to her. He had been right –the house wasn’t as bad as it looked from the outside. The interior was almost complete, with finished walls and floors. But there was no running water or electricity. Anna learned that every room of the large house was ‘claimed’ by people who came and went as they pleased. Jake’s claim was a small bedroom at the back of the house.

  ‘Where are the owners?’ Anna had asked after he’d shown her around and introduced her to the dozen or so other people staying there. Jake shrugged.

  ‘It’s been like this for months. They probably went bankrupt or something. Maybe moved overseas. Anyway, who cares, it’s ours now.’ Anna had looked at him for a long time after he said that, wondering if he really believed he could just claim someone else’s home as his own. They’d shared a pizza for dinner and when Jake had pulled out a wad of fifty- and twenty-dollar notes to pay for it, Anna asked where he got all the cash. He shoved it back in his pocket.

  ‘Just sold some stuff,’ he’d said and winked at her.

  Anna rolled away from Jake, curling on her side as she wiped at her cheeks and nose. She would get herself out of this. She’d already reinvented her life once when she moved to Australia, so she would do it again. She loved Jake, but this wasn’t how she wanted to live. She would get a job, her ow
n place. She would see Jake just on the weekends and let him do his own thing during the week, and not ask too many questions.

  As she resolved to wake up early to go job hunting, Anna reached up to touch her butterfly necklace, instead finding her neck was bare. She sat up, feeling all around her chest and neck, hoping she’d missed it. But the necklace was gone. How long had it been missing? Anna couldn’t even remember the last time she’d noticed it. How could she have not realised it was missing? As the pizza threatened to repeat on her, Anna remembered a conversation she’d had with Jake. It was weeks ago, maybe. Or was it days? The details were fuzzy now. She’d been sitting across from Jake as they ate fish and chips on a park bench. He was telling her about some friend he knew who was going to hook them up with big time clients and she must have been touching her necklace because he’d stopped and gestured to it.

  ‘It’s nice,’ he said.

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘The butterfly necklace, it’s nice.’ He continued eating like it was no big deal, but then asked, ‘Where’d you get it?’

  Anna’s eyes had lit up as she told him about the day her mother had gifted it to her, surprising her after school and telling her what it represented. She remembered feeling hurt when he’d rolled his eyes.

  ‘I mean, what kind of shop? Is it real? The little stones, are they real?’

  Anna had held it tightly and told him she guessed so. ‘My mama had beautiful taste,’ she’d said and Jake had smiled, keeping his eyes on the necklace while he agreed.

  Anna stared at his sleeping face. She could only just see the outline of his features in the dark. Would he have stolen from her? No. He knew how much the necklace had meant to her. She must have taken it off without realising and left it at the granny flat. There was no way Jake would steal from her, she consoled herself as she lay down again and tried to fall asleep. Anna placed her hand on her bare neck and imagined the butterfly there. She would go back tomorrow and look for it. She might even be able to talk to Sonja again, promise to start the English lessons again. She would even agree to not let Jake sleep over. Surely she and Miguel would let Anna move back in when they realised she had nowhere else to go. As she fell asleep, Anna imagined her life getting back on track the next day. She would pull herself out of the hole she’d been tumbling down. It wasn’t too late.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  ANNA WAS STARING at the television screen, having no idea what the loud, colourful game show was about. It was Sunday morning and she’d declined Talia’s offer to go to the beach with the same group of family friends she had met.

  Anna jumped at the sound of the perky triple-knock on the front door, but she smiled as she got up to answer, knowing it would be Jeanette. The woman obviously had no life at all, coming around to check on them on a sunny weekend.

  ‘Anna! You’re home,’ Jeanette said through her grin. She did a great job of pretending Anna was a normal person with a normal social life.

  ‘Yeah. Opted for a quiet day in; had to refuse a lot of good offers, though.’ She stepped back so Jeanette could enter and led her to the kitchen, taking out two cups and starting to make tea without asking. Jeanette chattered about the weather and her teenage sons for a few minutes, but by the time Anna had passed her a mug, a sombre mood had fallen upon her.

  ‘I have a note for you.’ Jeanette smiled, but it disappeared again as she continued. ‘It’s from Mads.’ Jeanette handed over a crumpled and roughly folded piece of paper. Anna took it, shoved it in her pocket without reading it and sipped her tea.

  ‘Thanks,’ she muttered.

  ‘She’s doing well. I managed to allocate enough money from our last fundraising drive to book her in for four weeks of rehab. Perhaps this will be her new beginning.’ The hope in Jeanette’s voice sounded strained.

  Anna thought it was a waste of money. Mads would use again and there probably wouldn’t be anyone barging in to help her next time. Maybe it would have been better if Anna had come home a bit later. Then Mads would be free from the miserable cycle she was living. Anna pushed the dark thought from her mind. ‘Maybe,’ she whispered.

  Jeanette shook her body like a bird puffing out its feathers and sat up straighter. ‘Anyway, we’ve both done our best; the rest is up to her. We can give her our positive thoughts.’

  Anna nodded.

  ‘So, I thought we could have a little look at the rental properties out there and how they match up with your savings progress so far, what do you think?’

  A panic swept through Anna, surprising her. ‘I don’t think I have enough money saved yet.’

  ‘No, not yet, of course, you still have almost three months here to take advantage of saving all of your pay. I just thought it might be fun to have a look at the available properties as examples, something to look forward to. Like window shopping!’ Jeanette was already pulling out her iPad from her oversized bag. Anna thought Jeanette had a strange idea of what fun was, but she guessed it beat sitting around watching a dumb television show. She leaned forward and allowed herself to be swept up in Jeanette’s enthusiasm.

  By the time Jeanette left a couple of hours later, Anna’s head was swimming with possibilities. They’d found a few decent-looking places that Anna would hypothetically be able to afford. They were tiny studio apartments, but they were in nice areas. One was only a ten-minute bus ride from the beach.

  ‘You don’t want too much stuff, anyway, Anna; minimalism is in,’ Jeanette had said. ‘Just kept it elegant and simple. I’ll help you decorate!’

  Even though it was only early in the afternoon, Anna lay down on her bed, imagining herself in her own apartment. She would do her own grocery shopping and fill the fridge with foods she enjoyed. She might even try to find an olla pot and make cazuela. The thought of sitting in her own space, eating her mother’s favourite dish, made her smile. She pulled the pillow from under her head, turned over and hugged it to her body, closing her eyes. But the rustle of paper in her pocket reminded her that she hadn’t read Mads’ note yet. She considered chucking it out without reading it. She’d probably never see Mads again anyway; why should she pull herself down from the happy place she was in right now? Despite this, she found herself reaching into her pocket and pulling out the note. The pencilled writing was barely legible. But Anna could make out the words closely enough:

  Thanks for helping me. I was a cow to you and you didn’t have to, but thanks. I don’t know why I didn’t just die. I don’t know why I keep living this shit life. But maybe there’s a reason? Otherwise I guess you wouldn’t have found me or you would have just left me alone. I don’t know. I hope so anyway.

  Anna scrunched the paper into a ball and threw it across the room. She shouldn’t have read it. She didn’t want to know what Mads was thinking and feeling. Maybe helping her hadn’t been the best thing to do. If Mads had died, she would be done now; she wouldn’t have to go through the hell of rehab. Wasn’t that easier? Anna clenched her fists and punched the mattress hard, over and over until she was out of breath and her thoughts eased. She hated thinking like this.

  Her room was suddenly suffocating. She jumped up, slipped on her shoes, grabbed her keys and ran from the house.

  Anna kept running, down her street, onto the footpath of Parramatta Road, the heavy traffic roaring past her. The way her violent thoughts crashed into each other and crumbled, then grew stronger again, made her feel as though she should be zipped into a straitjacket and locked away.

  When her chest burned and legs ached, Anna finally stopped running and walked. She wasn’t sure how far she’d gone; at least a few kilometres. She leaned against the wall of a shop, catching her breath and wiping the sweat from her face. Looking around, she realised that she had run almost all the way to the Women’s Wellness Centre where the circle meetings were held. It was only another few hundred metres down the road. Anna decided she may as well keep walking there, although of course it would be closed. Beside her a car slowed, causing the cars behind it to beep. Someone was
shouting out the car window.

  ‘Anna, hey!’ The car switched on its hazard lights and was seemingly oblivious to the incessant beeping it was causing in the busy traffic. When the car stopped completely, Anna bent down and looked through the window. Her heart leapt when she realised it was Nina.

  ‘What are you doing over here?’ Nina called, waving Anna over.

  ‘I, ah, just went for a run.’

  ‘Do you need a lift somewhere?’

  ‘Sure.’ Anna jumped in the car and Nina grinned. She pulled out into the traffic, ignoring the swearing from the driver behind her. She seemed as relaxed driving in the heavy traffic as she did sitting on her colourful cushion in the Women’s Circle.

  ‘Thanks,’ Anna said.

  ‘I’m so glad I saw you there! I was just dropping off some new candles I bought; I didn’t want to lug them all on Friday. So, do you often run up this way?’

  ‘No, not really. I just had to get out of the house.’ Anna kept looking out the front windscreen, but she felt Nina glance at her.

  ‘Do you want to come back to mine for some lunch? Or, late lunch really.’

  ‘Okay, thanks.’ The thought of spending time with Nina instead of going back to the empty boarding house eased Anna’s tension. She was glad she’d run aimlessly like that. It was as though something had brought her to Nina.

  Nina parked in front of a red-brick house with a short white picket fence and tidy garden. Anna laughed as they got out of the car.

  ‘Your house looks like a storybook home,’ Anna said but then wondered if that was rude so added, ‘I love it!’

  Nina laughed. ‘Thanks. I’m only renting, though. I’ve been at this house for a few months and I felt exactly the same when I first saw it. It’s like some caricature home!’ Anna was disappointed to learn that Nina didn’t own the home. She had liked the thought of her painting the fence and planting the flower beds. As she followed Nina through the front door, Anna decided the house was just as nice on the inside. The white walls were decorated elegantly with only a couple of colourful paintings, and the rooms contained sparse furniture. The home felt easy, like a place anyone could live.